Neff Zone November 27 2004

Print Edition: November 27, 2004

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF

My brother, Big Rob, lives in Flint and is an astute observer of the human condition. His theory is that humans, in real life, are responsible for situations so bizarre that no one could possibly pass off the same situations as believable fiction. He regularly calls me with news that he always prefaces with "you can’t make up this stuff."

He called me the other day to tell me about statistics in a Flint Journal article showing that 48 percent of all Flint high school students have a grade point average below 2.0; 2,117 "students" below a C average. The current freshmen are even more abysmal, with 60 percent under a C.

That’s not the best part, though. Here’s what Superintendent Felix Chow said about the problem: "This is like the dip stick for your oil in your car. Is it important? Yes. If your car is out of oil, it can die. But if you only pay attention to the oil and you don't check the air in the tires or the brake fluid, then your car is still in bad shape."

"Ok, now you tell me what that means," said Big Rob. "I dare you to try to make up a statement that’s more confusing. Maybe that’s why the kids can’t get higher grades, they spend all their time trying to figure out what their fearless leader is saying."

Unfortunately, you don’t have to look too far to find humans doing and saying things that prove Big Rob’s point; reality is more "entertaining" than fiction could ever be. Just casually peruse a newspaper or scan the TV news and you’ll be presented with a veritable cornucopia of "stuff you couldn’t make up" if you tried.

How about Glen Nager, an attorney representing the city of Jackson, Mississippi in an age discrimination suit before the U.S. Supreme Court. Nager’s city wants to give younger workers more generous pay raises than their older colleagues. Knowing full well that the average age of the Justices is 70, they’re sitting right in front of him, Nager tells them: " It’s painful… to point out that older employees have different mental and physical abilities." I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the Justices were not amused, and Nager’s chances of being invited to the annual Justices’ Christmas party, let alone winning his case, are fairly slim. What was this guy thinking?

My favorite story from this most recent Halloween comes from Pallayup, Washington. Halloween parties were banned because school officials determined the festivities were disrespectful to real witches. Officials claimed that, "Halloween celebrations tend to stereotypically depict witches as shriveled-up, grotesque looking hags with pointy noses and that is degrading to real witches." I can’t wait to see how Pallayup handles Christmas. No Santa – bearded senior citizens might be offended. No elves – short people. No reindeer – animal rights, you know.

Then there’s the guy in Los Angeles a couple of weeks ago who was refused a plane ticket to Australia because he didn’t have a credit card (or cash) to pay for it. It seems the stupid airlines actually wanted money in return for a flight. So the guy stripped naked, scaled a barbed wire fence, sprinted across the tarmac, and climbed into the wheel well of a moving jumbo jet. Now, putting aside the fact that when the plane’s landing gear was retracted the guy would have been crushed, and not mentioning that a 15-hour flight at 30,000 feet would freeze a human into a giant popsicle, why would you take off your clothes before tangling with barbed wire? I think ripping your pants would be the least of the potential dangers.

In the "you can’t be serious" file, Anheuser-Busch (makers of Budweiser beer) has announced that it will begin a phased launch of a new product this month called B-to-the-E, a beer infused with stimulants including caffeine, guarana and ginseng. The product is targeted to the 21-27 age group. Whose bright idea was this? A-B executives, presumably conscious when they approved this product, actually thought, "what America needs is young drunks on speed?"

Then there are the cases that are too sad to be true, except that they’re both. ABC News and the Miami Herald recently told the story of a soldier who was critically wounded in Iraq. While he was recuperating in a military hospital the Pentagon sent him a letter demanding the return of a $2,700 bonus because the soldier – now living in his car – could not fulfill his three-year tour of duty.

All these go to show that reality is many times stranger than anything the human imagination could create out of thin air. Like Big Rob says, you can’t make up this stuff.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to: neffzone@yahoo.com