Neff Zone October 1, 2004

Print Edition: October 1, 2004

I NEED AN EXPLANATION, OR TWO

I admit I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, scoring north of "butter" and south of "ginsu" in the flatware rankings. About average, I would say. I understand most things but other things need to be explained to me --- very slowly.

If you served in the military (or worked with, went to school with, or were even acquaintances with) someone who eventually became president of the United States, it would be a natural human tendency to tell others about that fact. You’d want people to know that you and the Prez are friends; you certainly wouldn’t keep it a secret. That’s why I don’t understand the flap over President Bush’s service (or lack thereof) in the Alabama National Guard. The president could end the controversy in ten minutes with a few phone calls. He should just call up some of his Bama buds and invite them to the White House, all expenses paid (the Bush family certainly has enough money to do this). What Billy Bob or Bubba wouldn’t jump at the chance to tour the White House, lunch with their old pal GW, and swap stories from their days in the Bama Guard? They’d get the trip of a lifetime, President Bush would end the allegations that he never showed up for duty, and a good time would be had by all. It’s such a simple solution I can’t believe no one has thought of it. Explain to me why the President doesn’t just pick up the phone.

There’s a little-known Social Security account called the "Earnings Expense File." Right now the account has $376 billion in it and it grows by $6 billion per year. The money mainly comes from illegal immigrants working in this country under false Social Security numbers; they pay into the system but take nothing out because they are hiding from the government. The fund remains untapped because, in theory, in the future the illegals may have a claim to it. Some U.S. congressmen are proposing that illegal immigrants should be permanently barred from ever seeking to reclaim the money they paid into Social Security. Instead, the money would go to fund American citizens’ retirement. Hmmm…let me see. People come into this country illegally, fake illegal Social Security numbers to get jobs, are paid for those jobs (which means the money is earned illegally), and hide from immigration authorities. The key word is "illegal." If you want the benefits this country provides become a citizen. Explain to me why the money in the Earnings Expense File should not be placed in the general Social Security fund now and in the future for use by "legal" citizens.

NASA scientists have been studying the tails of comets. The thinking is that comet tails are filled with water and that viruses may exist in that water, which would prove that life exists in space. As we speak, there is a capsule returning to Earth from a sample mission to the comet Wild II. It’s due to arrive in 2006. Hold the phone! What if we open the capsule and unleash a virus that we know nothing about and that can’t be contained by anything we have on earth? Explain to me why NASA isn’t planning to run some tests out there in space before they open it down here.

Enron thieves Leah and Andrew Fastow scam honest people out of millions of dollars, ruin the lives of thousands, and almost bring the government of California to its knees due to shady energy deals. Leah goes to prison, but Andrew gets to stay home with their two kids. When Leah gets out, Andrew will serve his time. The court didn’t want the children to be without a parent. Awwww! Think the average dolt who robs a 7-Eleven would ever get a break like this? Explain to me why this pair of charlatans deserves even one ounce of compassion.

Now that Congress has let the assault gun ban expire and area hunters can legally use AK-47s to "harvest" animals, I want some equal treatment here. If my neighbors can own a TEC-9, I see no reason why I should not be allowed to own a flame-thrower. Under the Second Amendment, an "arm" is an "arm." As I see it, flame-throwers are far safer than assault guns; have you ever heard of a domestic violence dispute being settled via flame-thrower, or a convenience store being robbed by a flame-wielding thug. Of course not: flamethrowers don’t kill people, people kill people. And flame-throwers are far more useful than mere assault rifles. I don’t harvest deer because my family really doesn’t care for venison, the one exception being venison jerky. If I had a flame-thrower I could harvest a deer and roast it for jerky in one swoosh, thereby justifying the ownership of my orange deer-harvesting hat. During winter when the snow is three-feet deep in my driveway – no problem. Five minutes with the flame-thrower and I’d have dry pavement. See, flame-throwers are not just weapons, they’re multi-use home appliances. Toast? A loaf at a time. Leaf removal? Stand back, I’m on it. Plus, think of the benefit for the local economy. I can see the business signs during hunting season now: Beer, Ammo, Napalm. Someone needs to explain to me why I can’t have a handy-dandy flame-thrower.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Send comments to neffzone@yahoo.com