Neff Zone October 29 2004

Print Edition: October 29, 2004

FORGET BUSH AND KERRY, THE STATE HAS BIGGER THINGS TO DECIDE THIS WEEKEND

There’s nothing like this time of year, with its partisan quibbling, neighbor turning on neighbor, and insults filling the air. No, I’m not talking about the election. I’m talking about this Saturday’s gridiron tilt between the University of Michigan Wolverines and the Michigan State Spartans. It’s the one time each football season when the "art of the pre-game needle" is almost as much fun as the game itself, a time when a good-natured slander is usually followed by "…and please pass the chips."

If you’re like me, just about the time you need a snappy joke or comeback is the time you realize you’ve forgotten the punch line. So, as a public service, and with a nod to several Internet sources, here is your "Handy Dandy Clip-Out Guide to Wolverine-Spartan Put-Downs."

Q. How did the Michigan State student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q. Why do Michigan students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!

Q: What does the average MSU student get on his SAT?

A: Drool

Q: How many University of Michigan freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: How many MSU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

Q: What do you get when you drive slowly by the UM campus?

A: A diploma.

Q: Why doesn't Michigan State have ice on the sidelines?

A: The guy who had the recipe graduated.

Q: What's the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: What do you get when you cross a MSU fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog with a Spartan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: Why don't University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Did you hear about the Michigan State fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in MSU football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does one idiot say? "Duh"

Q: What do two idiots say? "Duh, Duh"

Q: What do 100,000 idiots say?

A: Duhhh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, Duhhh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh ("Hail to the Victors"...without sound)

Q: Why was the Michigan State football team late for their game at Michigan?

A: Every time their bus passed a sign that said "Clean Restrooms," they did.

Q: What do you call 20 Michigan fans skydiving from an airplane?

A: Skeet

Q: Why doesn’t the MSU football team have its own web page?

A: Because they can’t put 3 W’s together.

Q: What did the Spartan say to the U of M grad?

A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: Did you hear about the new honor system at MSU?

A: Yes, your Honor, no, your Honor

Q: Did you hear about the Wolverine who was a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

A: He was awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q: How do you come to own a small business in Michigan?

A: You start a large business and put a Michigan State grad in charge of it.

Q: How do you get a UM grad off your porch?

A: Give him $10 for the pizza.

It’s been reported that they found a skeleton on the MSU campus. It was the 1967 Hide and Seek champion.

Two Michigan fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."

A Spartan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that will cut down six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Spartan buys it. The next day the Spartan brings the chainsaw back claiming the saw is defective. "It would only cut down one tree and it took all day!" he complains. The salesman takes the chainsaw and starts it up to see what’s wrong. The Spartan says, "What’s that noise?"

Four alumni, each from a different Big Ten school, were climbing a mountain one day. As they climbed higher they began to argue as to which one of them was the most loyal to their alma mater. Finally, as they reached the top, the U of M alum hurled himself off the mountain shouting, "This is for the Wolverines!" as he fell to his doom. Not to be outdone, the Michigan State alum threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Spartans!" Seeing this, the Northwestern alum walked over to the edge and shouted, "This is for everyone!" and pushed the Ohio State alum off the side of the mountain.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to: neffzone@yahoo.com