Neff Zone October 9 2004

Print Edition: October 9, 2004

LIFE WITHOUT TWINKIES? THINGS ARE GETTING SERIOUS!

Outta the Zone…

*Apparently, for some people, size does matter. In a recent poll by Men’s Fitness and Shape magazines, 35% of men and 25% of women said they would not be in a relationship with an overweight person. The poll also reported that 88% of women believe being overweight hurts them in accomplishing goals and romantic relationships. Given the titles of the two magazines, were the pollsters expecting some other opinion?

*Also in the size and shape department, U.S. researchers found that people with ears, fingers or feet of different sizes or shapes were more likely to react aggressively when annoyed. Gee, do you think yanking on people’s ears to take measurements may have affected the results?

*Again on shape, former governor John Engler must not have been too happy with the shape Michigan was in when he left office because he immediately moved to Virginia. Now word comes from a state election official that he appears to have dropped his Michigan voter registration.

*It’s time for the Atkins diet people to back off. Things are getting serious. The company that makes Twinkies has filed for bankruptcy citing the carb-counting craze as the major reason. Life without Twinkies. What’s the point of living?

*Remember your mother telling you to wash your hands after using the bathroom? Well, the EPA says one out of every eight passenger airliners carries drinking water containing coliform bacteria. The EPA recommends not drinking the airlines’ coffee or washing in the lavatories. As if airline travel wasn’t tedious enough these days, now you have to haul aboard your own water purification kit and a supply of disinfectant.

*Don’t worry, though. If you die from drinking airline java, your relatives can now buy a discount casket at Cotsco (a club store like Sam’s). They can choose from 6 models. I’m guessing the caskets would be on a nifty center aisle display somewhere between the gallon jars of Kosher dills and the frozen 50-pound packs of Buffalo wings.

*Aren’t you getting tired of Martha Stewart? Jeez, just serve your time and stop your whining; after all, you’ll be serving your time in a "prison" nicknamed "Camp Cupcake." But she won’t fade away. Now the producers of Survivor want to do a prime-time reality show featuring Stewart under house arrest after her five months in "the Big House" is over. Wow, that will be scintillating TV.

*High school sports and extracurricular activities are now in full swing and most would agree that these programs are essential parts of the school experience for students, fans, and communities. In Fairfield, Ohio this year each sport and activity costs a student $630 (pay-to-play) because the town turned down a levy to finance extracurriculars. Imagine having a son or daughter who plays multiple sports, participates in band, and is a member of student government. The tab could be in the thousands, so the result is sure to be the death knell for many worthwhile activities. How sad is this trend?

*Some car salesmen will do anything to close a deal. A man was arrested in Utah after robbing a bank using a car he was test-driving. The auto salesman who accompanied him stood outside with the car and didn’t suspect anything was amiss until after the driver robbed a second bank. Hello! What was your clue? The driver telling you, "Wait here and keep the motor running?" The screeching tires as you pulled away from the bank? The two bags of money on the front seat? Is this the normal way buyers secure financing?

*The upcoming election could get really embarrassing for the United States. Here we are telling Iraq how to conduct a democratic election when our own election mechanics could be a shambles. Consider this…Voting in Florida was a mess during the last presidential go-round, but in the wake of four hurricanes it could be even more muddled this time. Polling places are now shelters, power to run voting machines could be spotty, poll workers have other things to worry about (like finding drinkable water), and voters may be homeless or living out-of-state right now. Colorado will be voting to change from a winner-take-all electoral system to a one that divides the electoral votes to match the popular vote. If the measure passes it immediately takes effect for this election. Constitutional lawyers are already lining up. And, for good measure, the Economist magazine calls voting technology "a national crisis." Many electronic machines don’t work. In a test in Indiana (in a town about the size of Cadillac), 5,352 voters somehow cast 144,000 votes; in Virginia some machines subtracted votes rather than adding them to a candidate’s totals. Making matters worse, most electronic machines lack a paper trail backup. Care for a conspiracy theory? The CEO of the company that makes most of the touch-screen machines has declared in Ohio he is "committed to deliver electoral votes to the president." Bottom line: If this election is remotely close the outcome could be tied up in the courts for who knows how long.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to: neffzone@yahoo.com