Neff Zone Column April 9 2005

PRINT Edition: April 9, 2005

ONCE AGAIN, YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF

You may remember in a previous column I talked about a theory espoused by my brother, Big Rob. He claims that some things in real life are so bizarre that if they were presented as fiction no one would believe them. Well, boys and girls, buckle your chin straps because it’s time for another installment of Big Rob’s "You can’t make up this stuff."

We begin with the saga of an Oregon high school football coach who has been placed on probation by his school board for licking the blood from the cuts suffered by his players. Seems that a parent complained that the coach, Scott Reed, had "licked an open wound on the knee" of their son, and then it was discovered that several other players had experienced the same attention from the coach. However, the student athlete in question let it be known that he was not offended. Something tells me that this team needs to spend less time on the field and more time watching Dr. Phil.

As long as we’re on the subject of snacking, a city health inspector in Cheyenne, Wyoming has found a modern twist to the old "Waiter there’s a fly in my soup" gambit. Seems there have been several cases of tongue rings and other facial jewelry found in the food in the city’s restaurants. This caused the city council to pass an ordinance banning nose, tongue and lip piercings for restaurant workers. However the council vote was 5-3, meaning three members must like saliva-covered hardware in their salads. Me, I’d rather have the fly.

You might think you would be safe if you just avoided eateries and opted for some good old home cooking. You’d be wrong. A couple of weeks ago an Iron County, Michigan man was rustling up some grub in his kitchen when his cat knocked his 9mm handgun to the floor causing the weapon to discharge. The man was treated for a gunshot to the "lower torso," which is med-speak for "where the sun don’t shine." This just goes to prove the old saying: "Guns don’t hurt people, frolicking felines hurt people."

Still in the general area of the things culinary, airline passengers on the portly side may want to avoid airports located in Sweden. Recently remodeled security entrances have been installed with built-in scales designed to let only one person at a time pass through the door. The embarrassing problem is that if you weigh more than 230 pounds a voice calls out: "Stop! One at a time!" Presumably, this may cause an uptick in ridership for Sweden’s freight trains.

Speaking of things masterful, it was recently revealed that the Detroit Schools (which is $200 million in debt) spent over $2 million over the past two years on advertising and marketing efforts designed to stop students from fleeing the district. The campaign, centered around the absolutely compelling saying, "I am DPS," was run by a company owned by an ex-convict with no experience in public relations who was paid $568,000. In addition, the brother of a school official in charge of the project was hired to design many of the program's flyers, coffee mugs and banners to the tune of $87,925. The result? 9300 students LEFT the Detroit schools. Wow! Who could have predicted that?

The spending of public money by government officials is always a hot topic, but the result of a vote regarding a tax increase in the small town of Jesup, Iowa has legal scholars scratching their heads. The question is this: If you have a vote on a tax increase and no one shows up at the polls, does the referendum pass or fail? Seems that none of the 27 registered voters in Jesup cast a ballot regarding this particular issue, so no one knows if the new tax can be collected or not. Makes you wonder about putting "none of the above" on the next presidential election ballot, doesn’t it?

In the "crime does not pay like it used to" department, a thief in San Diego, California may want to rethink his chosen profession. The genius in question ran up behind a woman walking her dog, snatched the bag she was carrying, jumped into a waiting car and sped away. I wonder what he thought when he opened the bag only to find dog doo-doo.

Finally, on the political scene, leave it to President Bush to once again take a seemingly complicated topic and crystallize it into one simple concept that the common man can grasp. At his recent televised news conference, on the topic of adding personal savings accounts to Social Security, he cautioned: "…private accounts won’t fix the solution." Well, I’m glad that’s cleared up. And they called Ronald Reagan the "Great Communicator."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Neff Zone columns are online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .