Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: Saturday, August 6, 2005

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SAY "CHEESE"

The other day a friend asked me where I got the topics for this column. My answer was simple – from everywhere. Like any average person who reads newspapers, listens to the radio and watches television, I’m exposed to thousands of interesting tidbits every day. For me, some of those get further investigation and get turned into fodder for this column. My real problem is not a lack of material, it’s that there’s too much to write about. I literally have a milk crate full of ideas below my desk, most of which I’ll never use.

Some topics are maddening. For example, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay sunk to a new low last week, when he sneakily inserted a $1.5 billion sweetheart deal for Houston oil companies into the energy bill that supposedly had been finalized. The provision stipulates that 75 percent of the $1.5 billion allocated for deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico must go toward "a corporation that is constructed as a consortium." The contract is tailor made for the Research Partnership to Secure Energy for America consortium based in DeLay's district. Its members include Halliburton and Marathon Oil. The provision was added to the bill after the House and Senate conference had been halted and all amendments had been wrapped up, so committee members had no chance to accept or reject the measure. Word is that top Democrats knew DeLay was going to pull this stunt and did nothing to stop it. The lavish giveaway comes at time when the oil and gas industry is amassing record profits, with the net income of top oil companies expected to total $230 billion this year.

On occasion, a topic just leaves me scratching my bald head because I don’t know what to make of it. To wit, a couple of ultra-conservative Republicans – former Congressman Bob Barr and anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly – have joined with the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Conservative Union to oppose renewal of the Patriot Act. Talk about strange bedfellows. This odd combination bears more watching, if for no other reason than to see what they’re up to or if they’ll spontaneously combust.

I’m also drawn to what you might call "idiot genius" thinking, things that are so idiotic only a genius could come up with them. For instance, it turns out that the Homeland Security department has spent $20 billion over the last four years to put a plan in place to combat bioterrorism. We now have a national stockpile of medical equipment and supplies that can be moved to any city in America within 12 hours of an attack. That’s good. The problem is that no city in America has a mechanism in place to deliver the materials to citizens in time to save lives. That’s bad. Here’s where the genius part comes in. One proposal suggests having the medical supplies and vaccines delivered to citizens by the U.S. Postal Service. Yep, $20 billion spent and the theory is that after being sprayed by anthrax people will wait in their homes for the antidote to be delivered with the rest of their daily mail. If I was a mail carrier I would be having nightmares about mobs storming my delivery truck in an inoculation frenzy. I can see it now: "Sorry Mr. Neff, your vaccine was stolen but on the bright side here’s your new L.L. Bean catalog."

Then there’s always something popping up that makes me chuckle, like the newest phrase from the fashion police – "muffin top." This applies to women (sorry ladies, I just report the news) who wear low-cut jeans that are too tight and skimpy tops that are too short, so their midriff bulges resemble the top of a muffin. This comes after news of Michigan’s ranking as one of the fattest states in the country and the report that smoking increases belly fat in teens. Hmmm, there’s an opportunity here for a smart aleck comment, but I don’t run as fast as I used to so I’m keeping my mouth shut.

Finally, I’m always intrigued by the lengths to which people will go to save a buck. Like, there’s a new trend in travel called "dental tourism." Apparently, in a quest for cut-rate dental procedures, some people are going to Eastern Europe on package deals whereby they get their teeth fixed and sightsee all in one swoop. A big destination is (and I’m not making this up) is Mosonmagyarovar, Hungary. Ah, there’s no place like Mosonmagyarovar in the spring, or so I’m told.

But wait. Even putting aside the fact that you have to take two weeks off work, buy a plane ticket to an Eastern European (formerly Communist) country, and go to a place where your travel agent suggests you bring along your own toilet paper, how would you know the "dentist" diving into your mouth with sharp instruments is competent? I have a suspicion that a degree from the University of Transylvania doesn’t mean the same thing as one from the U of M Dental School. And remember, this is a part of the world that, up until a decade ago, had such a clear understanding of human anatomy they couldn’t produce blue jeans with legs the same length.

Listen, if all you want is inexpert cheapo relief from a tooth ache I have a Louisville Slugger in my garage and I can fix you right up, thereby saving you a trek to Mosonmagyarovar. Close your eyes and say "cheese." That will be $10 please.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .