Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: December 24, 2005

PHONEY WAR ON CHRISTMAS IS ALL HUMBUG!

All I want for Christmas is for Fox News to shut up. This whole "They’re Stealing Christmas" campaign is a complete fabrication, fueled by hot air coming from Fox’s resident protector of all that’s good and right, Bill (I make lewd phone calls in my spare time) O’Reilly.

This is detailed in numerous editorials and articles, like the December 20 article by Mike Hudson of the Niagara Falls Reporter.

‘On Dec. 9, O'Reilly told his audience that unnamed officials in Saginaw, Michigan, "oppose red and green clothing on anyone" during the holiday season, which would be hot news if it was (in fact) true. The catch here is that the allegation is completely false. Saginaw Township Supervisor Tim Braun pointed out that the town hall is completely covered with red and green Christmas lights.

Undaunted, O'Reilly then singled out the school district in Plano, Texas, which he said "told students they couldn't wear red and green because they were the Christmas colors." The school superintendent responded by saying: "The school district does not restrict students or staff from wearing certain color clothes during holiday times or any other school days."

Did Fox News even bother to check O’Reilly’s facts or issue a correction? Nope. They just let him, and their other minions, blunder forth with more undocumented "war" stories about evil purveyors of secular humanism, like department store chains.

What makes this so ridiculous is that even a cursory reading of history reveals all sorts of intriguing facts about the Christmas tradition. The Yuletide celebration goes back considerably further than the birth of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem some 2,000 years ago. The Romans celebrated their Saturnalia with seven days of drinking, feasting and gift-giving around this time of year. Their neighbors to the north, the Celts, had their own version of the holiday, one that involved the lighting of trees, decorative wreaths and kissing under the mistletoe. The church didn't get around to assigning a birthday to Jesus until 336 A.D., and most scholars believe Dec. 25 was chosen because people still celebrated the pagan festivals despite having become nominally Christian.

The pagan origins of Christmas were so feared by the pilgrims of New England they had a law against Christmas. "Whosoever shall be found observing any such day as Christmas and the like, either by feasting, forbearing labor, or any other way ... every such person so offending shall pay for each offense five shillings as a fine to the country," read the early statute.

It wasn't until 1877 that President Ulysses S. Grant, never one to pass up spiked egg nog, signed a law making Christmas a federal holiday.’

Then there are all the bizarre traditions around the world that link to the celebration of Christmas. In Italy they have no Christmas trees, instead they decorate small wooden pyramids with fruit. In Caracas, the capital city of Venezuela, it is customary for the people to roller-skate to church. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees; a spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck. It is a British Christmas tradition that a wish made while mixing the Christmas pudding will come true only if the ingredients are stirred in a clockwise direction. In Norway on Christmas Eve, all the brooms in the house are hidden because long ago it was believed that witches and mischievous spirits came out on Christmas Eve and would steal their brooms for riding.

Even the "controversy" about whether to use "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" as a greeting is so much flapdoodle. I would point out to Mr. O that even from a right-wing, Christian perspective there are two holidays during this period – Christmas and New Year. "Merry Christmas" leaves out New Year’s day. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" takes six words. "Happy Holidays" covers the whole shebang in just two words. Some of us like to be efficient, while others just like to copy the message President Bush used on his own "Holiday card."

And, by the way, in the original poem "A Visit From St. Nicholas" by Clement C. Moore, Santa never used the phrase "Merry Christmas." What he did say was: "Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night." So, we should be saying "Happy Christmas" anyway.

This whole phony situation centers around what’s politically correct and what isn’t. So, by way of ending, and with an able assist from the Internet, let me offer this.

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donder, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh,
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on O’Rielly, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
And Santa’s wife,
Who said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And X-Box would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Batteries not included.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.