Neff Zone Column

PRINT EDITION: SATURDAY, JUNE 4

THINGS WE LEAVE BEHIND

My father, Big Don, was a man of few words, but when he did dole out advice it was always on the mark. He once told me: "Son, some day you’ll get to a point in life when you want to make sure to buy good stuff so when you die your kids won’t think you were a cheapskate."

I’m at that stage now and Big Don’s words guide my every purchase. After I’m gone I don’t want my kids saying things like, "Look at this crappy drill Dad left us, what a hunk of junk." Rather, I’d like to imagine they’d be saying, "Wow, great drill, way to go Pa!"

Mortality is a tricky thing and this "stage" reminds me of it each time I pick up the newspaper and read the obituaries. Recently three of my favorite celebrities passed away, names that younger readers of this column might not recognize at first glance. Readers with some miles on their odometers will know these names, though, because they brought a lot of smiles to our faces.

Frank Gorshin passed away. He was an accomplished actor and impressionist, but he was best known as The Riddler from the campy Batman television series. His last TV appearance was on this season’s final episode of CSI in which he shared a scene with another movie legend, Tony Curtis. Oddly enough, I had lunch with Gorshin a couple of years ago right here in Cadillac. A friend of mine, writer and film maker Barry ZeVan, was passing through town with "two buddies" and invited me to join them for lunch at a local restaurant. The buddies turned out to be Gorshin and Hollywood legend Dick Van Patten. Gorshin was gracious and really interested in the hunting and fishing in our area. Needless to say, that meeting was a highlight in my life.

Howard Morris passed away. He had a TV and film resume as long as your arm, but he was best know for playing the character Ernest T. Bass on the old Andy Griffith show. Ernest T. is one of my favorite all-time characters, a backwoods bumpkin who would bedevil Barney Fife by throwing rocks through windows in Mayberry. What a hoot!

Eddie Albert passed away. He was an actor for 50 years and died at age 99, but to me he’ll always be Oliver Douglas, the city slicker turned farmer on Green Acres. Who can forget his wife, Lisa, played by Eva Gabor, asking him in a Hungarian accent, when the corn would be "shoosting to the sky."

Seeing these three pass away is saddening, but Big Don would remind me, I’m sure, that these folks made a lot of money in their lifetimes so they probably left behind some pretty nifty stuff. There’s a bright side to everything.

That got me to thinking; I wonder if there’s any upside to getting "on in years." I went to that new-fangled Internet thing and sure enough, I found a whole list of advantages of being over fifty.

*Things you buy now won’t wear out. (Big Don was right!)

*Kidnappers are no longer interested in you and in a hostage situation you’ll be among the first to be released.

*No one expects you to run…anywhere.

*There is nothing left to learn "the hard way."

*You can have a party and the neighbors won’t even realize it.

*Your eyes won’t get much worse.

*Your joints are more accurate weather predictors than the Weather Channel.

*You get to use really cool words like "whippersnapper."

*You can accept compliments on your new alligator shoes, even when you’re going barefoot.

Finding these made me feel better and I then recalled my favorite joke about leaving something behind. A couple went on a cruise to celebrate their 50^th anniversary. During a storm the husband was washed overboard by a wave and even though they searched for days they couldn’t find him. Finally, the Captain sent the wife back to shore with the promise that he would notify her if they found anything. Three weeks went by and finally the wife got a telegram from the boat. It read: Sorry to inform you that we found your husband at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him on deck and attached to him was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000…please advise. The wife answered back back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the hook.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .