Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: Saturday, May 28, 2005

BE SAFE THIS WEEKEND

This weekend signifies the real start of the summer tourism season, which means Cadillac will be invaded by the dreaded Flatlander tribe and things will get a little goofy around these parts. Don’t get me wrong, I realize the Flatlanders (people who live below U.S. 10) are essential to the local economy and I welcome their visitations (and dollars). At the same time, I know that this weekend calls for heightened caution because people who have no idea where they are going will be going there with preoccupied minds and a Detroit freeway driving mentality. The key word here is "safety," so I offer some gentle suggestions on how to stay in one piece over the three-day celebration. Perhaps if Cadillicans take the lead, the Flatlanders will follow.

Yield at the Yard Sales. This weekend is typically one of the biggest yard/garage sale extravaganzas of the year. The sane people who pull over to the curb and park their cars before shopping will be no problem, it’s the drive-by shoppers you have to watch out for. You know, the oblivious who creep past yard sales at 5 mph so they can survey the inventory without actually touching toe to terra firma. Then "wham!" They spot something, slam on the brakes, and shoot from their vehicles like a hound dog jumping on a pork chop. If you’re following one of these e-bay on wheels people, a mouthful of dashboard du jour and a trip to your favorite dentist could be in your future. A word to the wise, approach any yard sale with paranoid trepidation.

Recognize the Rubberneckers. If you pay attention you’ll soon realize that there will be a great number of people in town this weekend who have never seen a lake, boat, duck or bikini. They’ll be easy to spot because as they drive around Lake Cadillac arms will periodically spring from car windows: "Look, Zelda, there’s a lake…"Look Zelda, there’s a duck…Look Zelmo, there’s a babe in a bikini." Every time they look at what they’re looking at they won’t be looking where they’re supposed to be looking – like at the road. Which means if you’re riding your bike or walking along the road shoulder you could become a hood ornament. A word to the wise, watch for those pointing arms unless you want to go through life with a license plate number stamped on your forehead.

Heed the Speed. We all know there are several spots in Cadillac that are accidents waiting to happen, so maybe if we locals slow down around these spots and at least observe the speed limit we can limit some potential carnage.

Why the speed limit is still 40 mph on Sunnyside Drive is beyond me, given the fact that it’s clearly now a heavily populated residential area and its shoulders are part of the bike path around Lake Cadillac, but the 40 seems to mean 50 to many drivers. The back draft from a semi hurtling along Sunnyside can knock a kid off a bike, NASCAR wannabes encroach on the shoulders in the curves as they stick to the low groove, and this weekend you can add in the aforementioned rubberneckers. Let’s all go no more than the posted 40 mph limit and try to keep things to a reasonable rate.

Take special care when approaching the cement bridge abutment on the corner of M-115 and North Boulevard. We locals know you can’t see around this monstrosity if you’re trying to turn left onto M-115, so let’s stay calm and collected and bide our time on that corner; maybe visitors will take our cue and chill a bit.

Several crosswalks will be buzzing this weekend, so be on the lookout for people (particularly kids) crossing the street. A couple hot spots come to mind. There is sure to be a lot of crossing going on between the Blackburn Skateboarding Park and the parking lot across Chestnut St. (not to mention teens in cars pulling in and out of the lot). Many picnics will be ongoing at Kenwood Park and the beach across the street with its playscape is pretty tempting to kids, plus there’s a big curve in the road there.

A word to the wise: walkers, runners, bikers, and rollerbladers, will be zipping all over the place this weekend. Proceed with ultimate caution.

Above all, take mercy on the Flatlanders for they are good hearted but know not where they are going (much of the time) and they needeth our guidance. Direct them to parking lots with scenic views, give them accurate directions so they can get where they are going safely, slow them down so they can join us in some glorious relaxation away from the bustle of the big city, and smile a lot because we live where they only vacation.

And as the sergeant used to say at the end of roll call on the old Hill Street Blues television show: "Hey, hey, let’s be careful out there."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .