Print Edition: October 29, 2005

EVEN A SMURF ISN’T SAFE THESE DAYS

* Researchers at Fairleigh Dickinson University asked a group of women all weighing 192 pounds to follow an exercise walking program in which half of the participants were given portable CD players and told to listen to music of their choice, while the rest of the group walked with no music. At the end of six months the music-listening group lost an average of 16 pounds and the non-music group dropped an average of 8 pounds. The ones who listened to Wayne Newton CDs lost the most weight because they became too bored to eat.

* In 2004, which was touted by the Bush administration and Wall Street as a year in which the economy boomed, the median income of full-time, year-round male workers fell more than 2%. Well, at least those in power got the "down" part of trickle-down right.

* Despite having to pay high prices for crude oil, refiners earnings are expected to be up by as much as 141% in the third quarter. Why? Because they can charge higher prices for the finished products (like gasoline and jet fuel) but more importantly they can refine more. You see, before the hurricanes they were running at only 70% or so of capacity. Now they’re running at 90%. So much for the "we don’t have refinery capacity" argument for jacking up gas prices. Apparently supply and demand means ‘we’ll supply you with what we want when we want and demand you pay us whatever we feel like charging you and there’s nothing you can do about it -- so there.’

* After 9/11, Congress mandated that free potassium iodide pills be given to everyone living within 20 miles of a nuclear reactor (to help protect them in case of exposure to radiation). The deadline for dispersal was 2003, but as of now no one has the pills. Meanwhile, the company that makes the pills, Anbex, says they have plenty and the government can have them for 18 cents per pill. The government says the Department of Homeland Security is "way behind schedule." Well, there’s always "duck and cover" if the pills don’t arrive in time.

* Want to know what’s wrong with General Motors? Here it is in a nutshell. Two headlines in a recent business section of the Detroit Free Press: Headline 1 – "GM lost profits concern debt raters…falling SUV sales may hurt income." Headline 2 (right below headline 1) – "GM to unveil 2007 Yukon SUV." That about sums it up, doesn’t it?

* GM, and all the other auto manufacturers, won’t matter in a few years anyway. Moller International has developed the first personal vertical takeoff and landing vehicle the world has ever seen. The "Skycar" can cruise at 275 mph and since it’s not bound by gravity you won’t have to stop at red lights. You can reserve yours now for a $100,000 deposit at www.moller.com/skycar.

* Need a laugh? Go to www.catsinsinks.com. 

* Naw, nothing to that global warming nonsense. Try telling that to the residents of the Swiss ski resort of Andermatt. Desperate to protect its ski runs from disappearing, the town is covering the Gurschen glacier with $83,000 worth of white fleece blankets as insulation. Still, the glacier has retreated more than 60 feet.

* Smurfette is left for dead. Baby Smurf is left crying and orphaned as the Smurf's village is carpet bombed by warplanes, a horrific scene and imagery not normally associated with the lovable blue-skinned cartoon characters. These are the scenes being shown as part of a new UNICEF ad-campaign on Belgian television. The supposed goal is to shock the public into backing its fund-raising efforts on behalf of children. Showing cute, little Smurf people blown to bits is an odd way of illustrating your concern for kiddies. No nightmare potential there, eh? What’s next, Snoopy on the guillotine?

* Also on the kid front, an Australian hotelier has instituted a policy that allows you to bring your dogs as guests, but doesn’t allow children under 12 to stay at the hotel. He says kids run all over the place and cause damage. Heel, Jimmy, heel!

* Still on the kid kick, actor Nicholas Cage has named his new son Kal-el, Superman’s name on his native Krypton. Gee, thanks dad, was Doofus already taken?

* Poor Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma. Trying to do the right thing, he proposed that some of the pork spending in the highway bill might be cancelled so the funds could be used for more urgent needs. That set off fellow Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska who vowed they’d have to be "taken out of here on a stretcher" if the Senate voted to cancel his $223 million bridge to an island where just 50 people live. The Senate caved in and voted 82-15 to let Stevens keep his pork boondoggle. To paraphrase President Reagan in regard to this crop of Republican senators who never met a spending bill they didn’t like: "There they go again."

* This shameful exhibit of money grabbing was made all the more galling when balanced against the news this week that two-thirds of all nursing homes in America violate fire safety standards. Thousands of the homes operate with no sprinklers or smoke alarms. Of the 18 worst nursing home fires since 1970, every one occurred in homes without sprinklers in corridors and rooms. Now some Senators and Congressmen are "seriously considering" a sprinkler mandate. You tell me, should we be spending money on bridges to nowhere Alaska or on protecting our senior citizens? Things like this make you angry enough to bomb a Smurf.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to: neffzone@gmail.com.  Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews. 

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