Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: September 3, 2005

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF, VOLUME 4

Okay boys and girls, it’s time for another installment of "You can’t make up this stuff." The game is based on a theory proffered by my brother, Big Rob, who claims that some things happen in real life that are more bizarre than fiction – you just can’t make up stuff like this.

We begin with a report about an Iranian daredevil. Now, some would argue that just living in Iran would make one a daredevil, but Javad Palizbanian decided to make his existence even more terrifying. So, he set out to break the world record for jumping over busses on a motorcycle to, in his words, "Do something for my country to be proud of." Unfortunately, while Javad was in school the Mullahs may have neglected to cover math and science. In his attempt to leap over 22 busses he crashed and died atop bus 13, a slight miscalculation – like half as far as he needed to jump. But wait, here comes the best part. Officials decided not to allow the footage of the crash to be shown on the news because "…the crash scene was too disturbing to be shown publicly." Say what? This is a part of the world where decapitations, bombings, and kidnappings are on TV 24/7/365, often coupled with demonstrations of glee by crowds in the streets. Too disturbing?

Next we turn to the animal kingdom. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love animals, just ask my cat Archie. Even so, some of the things PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) comes up with, like demonstrating against fish dinners, leaves me confused. So I don’t know what to make of the case of the two PETA workers facing felony charges of animal cruelty in Ahoskie, NC after they allegedly collected puppies and kittens from shelters, euthanized them and threw the carcasses in a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly grocery store. This seems a bit less ethical than me ordering a second helping of fried cod. If you want to really get confused (or amused) check out these two websites: www.peta.org and www.petakillsanimals.com.

A happier animal story comes out of Russia where the cows in the Ural region of the country can’t wait for winter. It seems that the normal livestock feed crops of sunflowers and maize were intermingled with 40 tons of marijuana. In order to destroy the weed the other two crops would have to be sacrificed leaving no winter feed for the cows, so officials decided to harvest the whole shebang and let the cows eat everything. "I don’t know what the milk will be like after this," said one farmer.

Closer to home, you may recall a few columns back I related the story about a Sterling Heights, MI company who outsourced the jobs in their automotive wire harness factory. The American jobs went first to Mexico, then to Honduras, and finally to China where workers make 45-cents per hour. Now word comes that not one of the company’s wire harnesses has made it out of China. The inability to change engineering specs on the fly to meet auto industry needs, the high cost of transportation, and the fact that the workers were peasants with no education or skills all added up to make the company no better off in China than they were here. All together now: "Awwwwwww."

I’m always observing the political landscape and when it comes to the war in Iraq the popular opinion among conservatives is that the President and his policies should not be questioned. We need to rally behind our president in times of war so the county shows a united front. Not backing the President, even if he is from a different political party, shows a lack of respect, gives aid and comfort to the enemy, disrespects our troops, and is unpatriotic at the least and tantamount to treason at the worst. That’s why I don’t know what to make of the following quotes:

* "You can support the troops but not the president." --Rep. Tom Delay (R-TX)
* "Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life?" --Sean Hannity , Fox News
* "[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will cost. And he has not informed our nation's armed forces about how long they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy ." --Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)
*"History teaches us that it is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. There are no clarified rules of engagement . There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory . There is no ontingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our over- extended military . There is no explanation defining what vital national interests
are at stake . There was no strategic plan for war when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan today." --Rep. Tom Delay (R-TX)

Using the today’s accepted conservative litmus test, wouldn’t these statements be considered anti-American?

By the way, these quotes don’t apply to the current war in Iraq, they were made when President Clinton committed troops to Bosnia. The governor of Texas at the time, George W. Bush, also had a piece of advice for President Clinton: "Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .