Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: April 8, 2006

BREAKING NEWS

During spring break I was skiing in Colorado and, by design, out of touch with the rest of the world. When I go on vacation I don’t read newspapers or watch national news on television. The only media I paid attention to in Colorado was MTV for old people (otherwise known as the Weather Channel), so I would know how much snow had fallen. Needless to say, when I returned home I found that a whole bunch of newsworthy stuff had happened.

Before I even turned on my computer I found out that Microsoft had announced yet another security threat. I now have to be aware of any e-mails that ask me to click on news stories about U.S. currency. If I do something stupid, like click on the link in the message, my computer will freeze for thirty seconds and cybercrooks will install software that allows them to steal information stored on my computer. Not to be alarmed, though, because Microsoft plans to issue a security fix on April 11. I guess until then I’m supposed to use my computer as a door stop.

I found out that there was a big flap going on about illegal immigration, although I must admit I still don’t know why people can’t grasp the concept of "illegal." Anyway, President Bush visited President Fox of Mexico and was assured by the Mexican leader that our friends to the south were doing everything possible to cooperate with U.S. efforts to secure our mutual border. That may have been more believable had not Mexico’s Foreign Ministry produced a 32-page, comic-style book entitled: "The Guide for the Mexican Migrant." According to a New York Times article, the booklet gives advice on what clothes to wear when fording a river, how to cross a desert without getting dehydrated, and how to live in the U.S. without being detected -- a veritable "how-to" manual for illegal immigrants.

Also in the security realm, I found out that the Bush administration is reportedly hiring a Hong Kong (read Communist Chinese) conglomerate to help detect nuclear materials inside cargo passing through the Bahamas to the United States. Washington commentator Wes Vernon, doing further research on a report from the AP, says they want to use scanners developed by the U.S. Department of Energy, who also want to install the scanners at Chinese ports, like Shanghai, through which goods are shipped to the U.S. However, the Chinese in effect said they didn’t have the technology and the only way they would participate was if the U.S. gave then them the technology, at which point they would manufacture the scanners in China and sell them back to us. So, in a nutshell, we hire the Chinese, give them technology they don’t have, then they sell back to us what we gave them for free, and then we pay them more to use the technology they never had in the first place. And listen, just because China and Iran have a mutual defense pact, don’t assume that the Chinese will share the technology with the Iranians. Our vigilant, ultra-efficient Department of Homeland Security would never allow it.

After reading about all this security stuff I felt a bit queasy, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t news related. I found out that a 12 year-old student in Florida had done a science fair experiment that compared the ice at some fast food restaurants to the toilet water at the same restaurants. She found that the ice that they put in the drinks had more bacteria than the toilet water. According to tests done by the University of South Florida, the toilet water was cleaner 70% of the time. Now your dog doesn’t seem so dumb, does he?

In the health arena, too, I was happy to find out that scientists have figured out how to grow a human bladder in a laboratory. As an old guy, I’m all for increased bladder capacity, but I’m wondering when they are going to come up with something that makes me taller and gives me a full head of hair. And hurry up, I’m running out of time.

Everyone is always complaining about taxes, so I was surprised to find out that in 1972 Michigan residents shelled out 13.2% of their income for state and local taxes, 13^th highest among the 50 states. However, by 2002, state and local taxes only ate up 10.2% of income, putting Michigan 29^th compared to other states. Experts say that the most recent census data will have Michiganders under the 10% level. I’m saving my extra dough for when they perfect that hair/bladder thingy.

Finally, "hooray," I said, when I found out that rock legend Fats Domino had been inducted into the rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Known for hits like "Blueberry Hill" and "I’m Walkin’," Fats could get a place jumping and jiving like few others. It’s fun to see a current TV commercial based on his "Whole Lot of Lovin’ for You" knowing that only we "senior rockers" pick up on the tune. Go, Fats, go!

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.