Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: December 16, 2006

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: HOLIDAY EDITION

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up.

Have you ever seen holiday shoppers moving so quickly you wanted to ask "where’s the fire?" Well, that would have been an apt question last week at a department store in Mentor, Ohio when an electrical fire filled the store with thick smoke. Fire fighters not only had to battle the blaze which eventually caused around $130,000 in damage, but had to tussle with customers who wanted to continue shopping and refused to leave the store and also had to block the doors to prevent more shoppers from coming in. I guess shoppers wanted to be first in line for any potential "fire sale" savings.

Maybe these flame retardant shoppers were looking for a surprise deal, but it would be hard to top what an Edmund, Oklahoma man found in the toy section of his local department store. The man noticed an open pack of cigarettes on a shelf near the bicycles and when he picked it up a small bag containing a powdery substance fell out. He turned it in and police identified the substance as cocaine. This is the season for "snow" but it’s definitely not what Santa had in mind.

Besides, Santa has enough on his mind this time of year without having to conduct drug busts. For example, letters addressed with only the word "Santa" are pouring into the tiny town of North Pole, Alaska. Last year 120,000 letters from 26 countries made there way to the burg in Alaska’s interior. But do you want to know something really cool? Each letter that has a return address gets a reply, signed by Santa’s elves, and mailed back to the sender thanks to volunteers who process the letters and pay for the stamps. Even the volunteers from the local Air Force base pitch in (like they don’t have enough to do already). Now that’s genuine Christmas spirit!

Of course sometimes Santa’s helpers, well meaning though they may be, are more of a problem than an actual help. Like the guy in Westminster, Colorado who tried to slide down his chimney only to get stuck twelve feet down. Firefighters rescued the man based on a 911 call. The odd thing is that the man did not have a cell phone and no one else was home, so no one knows who placed the emergency call. C’mon, don’t they know Santa is always watching?

He knows when you’ve been nice, but he also knows when you’ve been naughty. That fact must have eluded a teenage shoplifter in Lapel, Indiana who was nabbed as she tried to leave a local store. It seems that the naughty teen packed so much merchandise into her oversized pants that when she tried to run her weighted-down trousers dropped to her ankles and tripped her up, making her capture a piece of cake. Items falling out of her pants included: candy, a 15-ounce box of Nesquik, a potato peeler, an ice cream scoop, a set of measuring spoons, several Rollo candy bars, and gel tubes.

For those of you not looking for "five finger discount" potato peelers to give as gifts, may I suggest two sure winners? These are guaranteed to be appreciated by anyone who is lucky enough to receive either (or even both).

First up is the Scrolling Belt Buckle. This gizmo attaches to any belt and features a 3-inch by 1-inch LCD screen onto which you can program the message of your choice to scroll in lights. Put in "Merry Christmas" or "Fire Millen," anything you want. Only $29.99 at www.scrollingbuckle.com.

Second is iCarta iPod Toilet Paper Holder which claims "now you can enhance your experience with your favorite music." It’s a paper holder with a built-in dock for your iPod, 4 moisture-free speakers, and a control deck with audio options. It’s sort of a high tech version of taking the newspaper into the "library" when you are performing your daily constitutional. What a steal for only $99.95 at www.old-fashoined-values.com (which is a website name that is just too ironic).

Finally, here’s something "real" for you. I’ve put together a Holiday Fun web page with activities for the kids, a live look at Santa’s workshop, and even the NORAD radar Santa tracker (for Christmas Eve). It’s at www.neffzone.com/holidays.htm. Enjoy!

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.