Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: June 24, 2006

NEWS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED WHILE WAITING FOR SUMMER

Well, the first day of summer arrived this week and school is out. With all the hoop-la surrounding graduations and open houses, many of you may have missed some important news. Please allow me to catch you up on the essentials.

I hope you didn’t miss the National Spelling Bee because it was a rare opportunity for you to feel absolutely stupid. Middle school kids spelled words most of us didn’t even know existed, let alone how to pronounce and spell. The winner this year, 13-year-old Katie Close of New Jersey who nabbed a cool $42 grand for the effort, had to spell "Ursprache," which means a hypothetical parent language. Right. Now will someone give me a definition of the definition?

Here are the winning words from 2001-2005: succedaneum, prospicience, pococurante, autochthonous, and appoggiatura. A good task for the summer might be to learn these words. (Definitions at the end of this column for the slackers among us, like me.)

Spelling contests are not just for the younger set, however. Hal Prince of Palo Alto, Calif., correctly spelled "piezometer" to win the 2006 National Senior Spelling Bee. A piezometer is an instrument for measuring pressure or compressibility. Twenty-nine people, ranging in age from 50 to 86, representing 15 states competed in this year's bee. In what sounds like a raw deal when you think of Katie Close’s haul, Prince received a mere $100 for winning. On the other hand maybe it’s for the best. I’m guessing by the time the IRS got through with Prince’s vast winnings Hal didn’t have enough left to measure with an IRSometer (which is an instrument used by the government to turn your taxes into thin air).

At least Katie and Hal won something, which is good I guess. Caitlin Campbell got zippo for finishing eighth in the National Bee, but her hometown was still proud of he, and they said so with a billboard that read: "Congratulations! Caitlin Cambell for making Amarillo proud." Unfortunately, as you can see by the ommitted "p," they were not proud enough to spell her name correctly. Caitlin shouldn’t worry, though, because if we’ve learned anything in the past six years is that it’s possible that someone from Texas who can’t spell can still grow up to be president.

Also on the learning beat, we were tickled to find out that our good allies and buddies the Saudis have only the best intentions for their students. That’s why a mandatory eighth-grade textbook states: " Jews are apes…while the swine are the Christians." A grade-twelve text teaches that a jihad (holy war) is a violent struggle against Jews, Christians, and (even) Muslims who don’t agree with the Saudi brand of Islam. Aren’t you glad out soldiers are giving their lives to protect this regime?

On another front, the phrase "a penny for your thoughts," just priced itself out of the market. We’ve now reached a point in this country where it costs 1.23 cents to make each penny we mint. It also costs 5.73 cents to make each nickel. In very literal terms, we lose money every time we make money. The solution is obvious to me – outsource the manufacturing process. There must be a third world country where we can pay people substandard wages to make our pennies. We could pay them with those 9-tenths-of-a-cent pieces we now use only in gas stations. Call Exxon, a company with a stockpile of these 9-tenths coins, I think we have the makings of a plan.

Maybe a place to outsource the work could be the North Pole. According to a Reuters report, in a cost-cutting move the jolly old soul has sacked his last three full-time elves. Santa Park, in the Lapland town of Rovaniemi on the Arctic Circle where children can take sleigh rides, talk to Santa and feed reindeer, had provided magic but no profits until now. Wow, apparently the trickle down theory doesn’t even work for elfin workers. By the way, there are 181 days until Christmas www.santaclauslive.com.

Finally, the definitions: substitute, foresight, apathetic, indigenous, an embellishing note or tone preceding an essential melodic note or tone. Knew them all along, eh? Me too.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.