Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: March 25, 2006

SOMETHING’S IN THE AIR

Spring break is now underway and with that my thoughts turn to airlines, those bastions of insightful business operations with which many Cadillicans will be doing battle between now and April Fool’s day.

You may recall my former rants about experiences I’ve had with air carriers, so admittedly I’m a bit jaded. However, just when I think I may be "over it," something happens to set me off again. To wit, the arrival of an e-mail message from Northwest Airlines informing me of their great new premium service whereby from now on they will "allow" me to pay them an extra $15 for the privilege of sitting in an exit row or aisle seat.

For now, this "service" is limited to just 5% of the seats, but you can see where it’s headed. If Northwest gets away with this all the other airlines will follow suit and eventually all aisle seats will be "premium." This from an industry that loses 10,000 pieces of luggage per day, charges you $10 for a snack pack containing rations left behind when the last wagon train pulled out of St. Louis bound for free land in Oklahoma, and is currently petitioning Congress to let them advertise ticket prices that hide all the surcharges so passengers won’t be able to comparison shop.

Here’s what I see happening. Most planes are designed with three seats on one side of the center aisle and three seats on the other side. Some people, like business persons, may opt to pay the extra $15, figuring an aisle seat will give them more elbow room and work space.

Now, families (of four) with kids used to be able to put the kids in the window/middle seats and a parent would stand guard in an aisle seat, sort of a cork in a bottle scenario. The other parent would get a respite by sitting in the aisle seat on the other side of the aisle. That will now cost them $30 extra, so what happens if they won’t pay the freight?

You guessed it, Sam and Sarah Buisnessperson will be trapped in the middle of the battling Bickersons. They’ll be conduits for passing cheese puffs, gummy worms, and juice boxes back and forth across the aisle. They’ll have to get out of their premium aisle seat every time one of the Bickerson brats need to go on one of their thirty-seven potty breaks. Not only will they not get any work done, they’ll arrive at their destination covered in cheese dust and with Milk Duds wedged in their USB ports.

When they get off the plane they’ll head straight for the nearest gate attendant and the ensuing fireworks will be the best show in town. Oh yeah, and the airline employee getting an earful will be a person who has had their pay slashed, pension trashed, and then watched the airline’s CEO get a bonus, stock options, and a golden parachute. Yahoo, all the combatants will be very unhappy campers. Do yourself a favor, pull up a lawn chair and watch the festivities.

Sort of in a related vein, if you’ve traveled on an airline you’ve certainly gone through airport security. You know the drill: remove your shoes, remove your belt, dump the contents of your pockets into a plastic dish, give your laptop to a complete stranger, hope you’re not selected for a full body incursion. Can’t be too careful. Terrorists on the loose.

Unless, of course, you’re name is Sayed Rahmatullah Hashemi, former official spokesman for the Taliban in Afghanistan, defender of Osama bin Laden, and public insulter of everything American. If you’re that guy, you get to come in to and go out of the United States unimpeded, in fact your name is not even on any no-fly-list.

Why do you get this special treatment, even though even the most brain dead Homeland Security dweeb would recognize you as a potential threat? Because the State Department has issued you an F-1student visa and Yale University (yes, the alma mater of President Bush and countless other of our political leaders) has admitted you as a full-time student for the graduating class of 2009. Never mind that you’ve only had a fourth grade education, not only do you get to come to America and attend Yale, the school is giving you a 40% discount on your tuition. Welcome to the US of A! Want an aisle seat?

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.