Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: November 25, 2006

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: VOLUME 10

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up.

As usual, we begin with a report from our intrepid reporter in Flint, Big Rob. Noting that this time of year everyone is looking for a little spare cash with which to buy Christmas gifts, he relates the latest money making activities some stellar citizens of Genesee County are utilizing.

Some entrepreneurs are cruising the streets and byways of the Flint area collecting manhole covers. Apparently they sell the covers as scrap metal, an ingenious way to pad their Christmas Club accounts no doubt.

There is a teensy-weensy downside to this, says Big Rob. "You can be driving along and all of a sudden your tire goes into an open manhole which not only jars your fillings loose but tends to bring your car to a halt in a hurry," he says. "I would not advise crossing the street on a dark night either or you might find yourself on a fast ride through a pipe that empties into the Flint River."

Assuming you don’t get sucked into a manhole, Big Rob notes that your worries may not be over. Another money maker rampant in his area is the stealing of catalytic converters from cars. There is a miniscule bit of platinum in a converter, so apparently that’s what the "collectors" are after. Basically, they’ve been hitting mall parking lots and sawing the part from cars while their owners are inside stores shopping. Nothing like the holiday season to bring out the best in people, eh?

Speaking of shopping, sometimes the holidays can be challenging, especially if you come across a grumpy salesclerk or, worse yet, a surly squirrel. That’s what Marcy Meckler had to deal with at a mall near Skokie, Ill.

While making her way to her car, arms loaded with packages, a squirrel jumped out and attached itself to her leg, causing her to fall in an attempt to detach said squirrel whereupon she received "severe injuries." Meckler’s attorney has filed a $50,000 lawsuit saying the injuries will cause her to "in the future endure pain and suffering in body and mind."

I know you’re wondering how you can sue a squirrel, but the lawsuit is against the mall. Why? The suit alleges that the mall was aware of the longtime presence of the squirrel on the premises and allowed the squirrel to remain on the premises, and worse yet the mall failed "to warn the plaintiff of the squirrel's presence."

No word yet of future lawsuits against the mall for letting pigeons fly overhead and deposit droppings on car windshields, obviously making the mall responsible for traffic accidents.

The aim of holiday shopping, of course, is to find that perfect gift for everyone on your list. Let me help you out. Who among us has not played air guitar at one time or another. Come on, admit it, you’ve stood in front of a mirror and struck a guitar hero pose or pretended to play riffs on your car’s steering wheel, haven’t you?

Scientists in Australia have developed a high-tech T-shirt that turns the strumming of an air guitar into music. The T-shirt has motion sensors built into its elbows that pick up the wearer's arm motions and relay them wirelessly to a computer which interprets them as guitar riffs. One arm is interpreted as picking chords while the other strums. "It's an easy-to-use, virtual instrument that allows real-time music making even by players without significant musical or computing skills," scientists said in a statement.

"It allows you to jump around and the sound generated is just like a rock star."

Ahhhh, I can just picture Christmas morning all across the land with the strains of "Cat Scratch Fever" filling the frosty air and parents imploring their kids to "turn that shirt down!"

Shopping aside, many in our neck of the woods use this weekend as an excuse to NOT shop, preferring to get away into the sanctity of the surrounding forests for a bit of hunting. I would caution the hunters to be careful because those wily whitetails are a lot tougher than they look.

Take the case of Ruth Hesselink of Holland, Wisconsin who reported that the ceramic deer replica in her yard was destroyed in an attack buy a real buck. She watched as the buck did battle with its unmoving counterpart until the head of the ceramic deer was knocked off.

Big Rob says when you’re hunting protect yourself at all times from crazed deer. He suggests shielding yourself with a genuine manhole cover. As luck would have it he can make you a good deal on one of those.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.