Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: September 2, 2006

TOILET PAPER, THE $37 BURGER, AND SCHOOL DAZE

Outta the Zone… I was in the grocery store the other day and I happened to pass the toilet paper section, but to my surprise it isn’t really the toilet paper section any more. Apparently, when I wasn’t paying attention toilet paper became "bath tissue."

Now, I must admit this new terminology makes no sense to me. I’ve always considered myself a regular bather and for the life of me I can’t think of any point in the process where toilet paper (bath tissue) would come into play. You can’t scrub with it, dry off with it, or even floss your teeth with it. Why in heaven’s name, then, is the stuff now called bath tissue?

We need to get to the bottom of this (pun intended). Someone call Congress for a few million dollars so we can do a study.

*Have you noticed the rush to build ethanol plants all over the country in an attempt to lessen our dependence on foreign oil? Well, an interesting article in Fortune magazine brings up the other side of the story that few people are considering. In the article, entitled "Ethanol could leave the world hungry," the article claims that a "growing myth that corn is a cure-all for our energy woes is leading us toward a potentially dangerous global fight for food. We are facing an epic competition between the 800 million motorists who want to protect their mobility and the two billion poorest people in the world who simply want to survive. In effect, supermarkets and service stations are now competing for the same resources."

The article makes some valid points. For example, the grain required to fill a 25-gallon gas tank with ethanol could feed one person for a year. With that in mind, realize that now the market is setting the price for farm commodities at their oil-equivalent value. As the price of oil climbs, so will the price of food. And if all the ethanol plants now planned for construction in Iowa are actually built, distilleries would use the entire Iowa corn harvest. In South Dakota, ethanol distilleries are already claiming over half that state's crop.

I don’t know where all of this is headed, but there may come a time when it won’t cost you much to drive to your local fast food restaurant, but once you get there it will cost you $37 for a burger.

*As you read this we’re in the middle of the first Labor Day weekend since the state mandated that schools can’t open before the holiday. I’m sure you’ve all heard the tourism industry, both local and statewide, claiming that the later school start will mean increased business. Let me tell you why they are whistling up the proverbial drainpipe.

First of all, pushing back the start of school while leaving the high school fall sports schedule unchanged means that the people who couldn’t travel before still can’t travel. No net gain there.

Second, if schools start later they will have to make up those days somewhere else during the year and the only two options are eliminating vacation days during the school year or adding days to the end of the school year. No net gain there.

Third, any gains in Labor Day business will be offset by fewer days available for winter tourism. For areas like northern Michigan this will damage the overall picture of year-round tourism.

I’ve been writing about Michigan travel and tourism for over thirty years, I’ve attended numerous conferences, and I’ve heard all the scenarios. The bottom line among tourism gurus is that the school schedule that we need is one where the students attend 180 days of school, but start after Labor Day, have a four-day thanksgiving break, have two weeks off at Christmas, have a mid-winter break of at least a week, have a week-long spring break, and get out of school before Memorial Day.

After you do the math on that one, tell me that tourism should drive the decisions on school calendar.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.