Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: September 30, 2006

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: VOLUME 9

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up.

Big Rob’s home base, Flint, is always a good place to start this exercise, particularly if you toss in the Department of Homeland Security for added comedy. It seems that the Department has given Flint $4.4 million since 2001 to protect Genesee County from terrorist attacks. "In a piece of classic Flint mismanagement," says Big Rob, "they spent $365,000 on a mobile command unit that they can’t get out of its garage because it’s a lemon."

Big Rob observes, however, that although the mobile command center is actually immobile, it doesn’t make any difference. "Homeland Security has identified thirty-five potential terrorist targets in the county," he notes, "but they won’t tell county officials where they are because the list is secret. So they’ve spent over $4 million, they have a mobile center that sits in one spot, and no one will tell them what needs protecting. You can’t make up stuff like that!"

Sticking with the homeland security theme, the Transportation Safety Administration is always good for a head-scratcher http://wwwtsa.gov. I’m sure you heard that this week that travelers may now carry through security checkpoints travel-size toiletries (three ounces or less) that fit comfortably in one, quart-size, clear plastic, zip-top bag. Plus, after clearing security, travelers can also bring beverages and other items purchased in the secure boarding area on board aircraft. What amazes me is that while they’ve eased the restrictions on bottled water, eye liner and toothpaste you still can’t bring pudding or jello on a flight. You can, however, bring "personal lubricants" on board. I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine flying in a plane unless I’m properly "personally lubricated."

It gets better. You can’t take whipped cream on a plane, but you can take: corkscrews, cigar cutters, safety razors, four-inch scissors, umbrellas, seven-inch screwdrivers, wrenches, pliers, toy transformer robots and toy weapons. Normal people can’t make up a list like this; it takes a highly skilled security professional

If all this "security" is driving you crazy, you can at least be happy that you are not Gary Weddle of Ephrata, Washington. The week after 9/11 Weddle decided not to shave until Osama Bin Laden had been caught or killed, which he figured would take about a month. Wrong, Rumsfeld breath. His beard has been growing for five years now and is over a foot long. His wife hates it. May I suggest a bit of personal lubricant? It may spiffy up his whiskers a bit and it’s TSA approved.

It turns out that Weddle is a teacher, so he should be cheered by the fact that at least he does not work at Pine Tree Elementary School District in Orange County, New York. Parents of third-graders were given a spelling packet at an open house recently and when they got home were shocked to find out that the vocabulary was printed in an x-rated font. The font showed male and female stick figures in provocative poses to form the letters of the alphabet. At least now the parents know why their kids were so eager to do their homework.

Maybe a racier font would have caused Johnny Camel of Salinas, California to study harder so he would not have turned to a life of crime. When the Highway Patrol stopped him for a parole violation recently he tried to flee, but, alas, his baggy pants fell to his ankles and tripped him up.

Oddly enough, officers claim that an increasing number of foot pursuits are ending quickly because suspects can’t run and hold up their pants at the same time. Lucky for the rest of us that Johnny and his ilk are too dumb to steal a belt.

Finally, you have to laugh at the political ads running right now. My favorite is the one with former Chrysler boss Lee Iacocca in which he says: "A lot of people have given up on Michigan, thrown in the towel. I haven’t." Oh, really? Iacocca doesn’t live in Michigan. When he left the auto industry he immediately fled Michigan for southern California and hasn’t been back since. My opinion of celebrity endorsements for politicians, regardless of party, would be a paraphrase of an old Iacocca auto commercial: "If you can find a better pitchman, buy him."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to: neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns on line at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.