Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: August 18, 2007

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 15

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint. We’ve already told you about the items thieves are stealing in Flint -- air conditioning units from churches, manhole covers, sewer grates, copper tubing from homes, and catalytic converters from cars, just to name a few.

Well, we have a new leader in the "How lowdown can you be?" category. According to a report on WJRT-TV, two years ago students at Williams Elementary planted a 20-foot ornamental plum tree in honor of a long-time volunteer at the school who had passed away. The children had purchased the $150 tree by donating their own nickels and pennies. Last week a terrible discovery was made -- thieves stole the tree. School officials say they can't believe someone would be so brazen and cruel.

To make matters even more ridiculous, the thieves did a lousy job of getting the tree out of the ground.　They literally tore it out, hacking at the roots. There is no chance the tree could be replanted and survive.

If the plum tree story doesn’t make you exasperated, try this Canadian garbage saga on for size. According to the Port Huron Times Herald, last January two Canadian garbage trucks overturned on I-69 outside of Port Huron. Instead of kicking in for the $19,000 in cleanup costs, the two trucking companies involved are suing the Michigan Department of Transportation and St. Clair County for $250,000 in damages. They claim the road was snowy, which led to the crash. Also being sued is the Village of Emmett because their fire department had the audacity to rush to the aid of the truckers at the accident scene.

Meanwhile in Washington, the House has passed a bill that would allow states to reject Canadian trash. The Senate has stalled in approving the legislation.

I know everyone is on the ethanol bandwagon, but here is a bit of irony that will make your head swim. Much of our ethanol production is based on corn. Corn demands huge quantities of nitrogen and other nutrients, which has helped to force up fertilizer prices by more than $150 a ton.

Even without this year’s increased acreage, 45 percent of the country’s supply gets spread on cornfields, says Jeff Schneck, sales manager for Timac USA, a subsidiary of the France-based Roullier Group, which specializes in producing fertilizers and other agricultural supplies for the world market. Fertilizer already has been on a three-year price increase because nitrogen, one of its primary ingredients, has been skyrocketing with the rising cost of natural gas (which is needed in the production process). Almost all nitrogen supplies must be imported because there are no longer any domestic production plants left, according to Schneck. Because of this, the United States is the largest importer of nitrogen fertilizers in the world.

As natural gas prices have increased in the United States, nitrogen fertilizer production has shifted to areas of the world with cheaper natural gas prices. In the western hemisphere, new production facilities have been built in Venezuela (headed by America’s pal Hugo Chavez). In the Eastern hemisphere, Russia, China and the Persian Gulf region are major nitrogen producers (not many U.S. buddies in that group).

So here’s the conundrum: The United States is developing more ethanol plants in an effort to be less reliant on foreign oil, but at the same time in order to do that we must grow more corn which makes us more reliant of foreign sources of nitrogen fertilizers (which depends on huge quantities of natural gas). It’s a head scratcher, isn’t it?

Well, you know what they say, ‘it takes money to make money.’ That’s becoming really true when it comes to the coins in your pocket. It currently costs the U.S. Mint 1.5 cents to produce a penny and 8.2 cents to produce a nickel. That’s probably because our copper pennies are actually only 2.5% copper (the rest is zinc), but in a mind-boggling bit of strangeness our nickels are only 25% nickel because they are 75% copper. There is more copper in the nickels than in the copper pennies.

Ah, but those coins can mount up. Just ask a pair of enterprising youths in Saskatchewan, Canada who had a modern twist to the summer lemonade stand. A policeman there had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.us.