Neff Zone Column -- December 17, 2007

Print Edition: December 15, 2007

TOUGH SLEDDING FOR SANTA

If there is one person who should be flying high this time of year you'd think it would be Santa Claus. After all, most of us would think that he has a pretty good gig. Santa only works one day a year and even then he pretty much gets unlimited cookies and milk.

Ah, but not so fast reindeer breath. It turns out that even Santa is having some tough sledding this holiday season.

Security experts have concerns that Santa Claus could be breaking privacy laws in his collection and use of personal data about children. In an article published by the Register in Great Britain, it is noted: "Children across Britain who write letters to Claus with a list of gift requests are not told for how long that data is kept, or if it will be used for other purposes such as marketing by third parties."

The article goes on to observe that data should not be kept for longer than necessary, which would mean December 25th, though Claus may argue that he needs to keep the letters for six years to use in any gift-related lawsuits.

Britain's Data Protection Act says that you must inform someone when you are collecting data about them, and tell them what the purpose of collection is. "What about the naughty/nice database?" the article asks. "Are children given notice that behavioral data is being collected about them throughout the year? And does it qualify as covert monitoring, which would breach Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights?"

As if the flap about data security wasn't enough of a technological headache, Santa has yet another tech issue to deal with centering around Microsoft. It seems that the tech giant has been doing Santa's reputation no favors. An artificial-intelligence Santa bot operated by Microsoft to talk to children via Windows Live Messenger got a bit x-rated by saying: "It’s fun to talk about (insert unmentionable adult sex act not appropriate for a family newspaper), but I want to chat about something else...."

According to Network World, Microsoft confirmed the bot’s potty mouth and closed the bot down immediately. However, the damage was already done. Some users were able to program the bot to talk about Santa's supposed criminal activities and manipulate his speech to include many off-color remarks. These messages were zapped around the Internet faster than you can say Jack Frost.

With all this going on you'd at least think children would be able to boost Santa's spirits, but even the kidlings are piling on. Spanish children think Santa Claus is too fat and should go on a diet, and that he should ditch his sleigh for a four-wheel-drive or a motorcycle. The opinions are based on an Internet poll of 4000 children aged four to 12. It said 53 per cent of them thought Santa was "too fat", and 59 per cent believed he should eat better to lose weight, or go to the gym (19 per cent.)

Many also thought his means of transport was outdated, as a sleigh was too slow for delivering presents. A total of 35 per cent thought he should change it for a 4WD and 31 per cent for a motorcycle. To make things even more disheartening for the Jolly Old Elf, a college student in Montana is accused of shoving a pumpkin pie into the face of Santa Claus and has been charged with misdemeanor assault. Clint Westwood, smooshed the pie into Santa's kisser and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?" He said he videotaped the encounter and plans to include the clip in an upcoming film. Great, now Santa will be the focus of jokes on America's Funniest Videos. Not much to ho-ho-ho about.

Things are even worse in Detroit where a biker-heavy metal alternative to Santa is making appearances. Metalliclaus, as he calls himself, is trashing the spirit of Christmas by promising to be drunken and irate. Geez, if this guy comes down your chimney he probably won’t be leaving any presents behind but it’s a good bet he’ll steal the ones you already have.

Well, at least there’s one ray of hope for Santa’s reputation. In Vermont a "Mystery Santa" has been walking up to people and handing them Christmas cards containing $50 in cash. They always say it’s better to give than receive, but in this case receiving is pretty good too.

Here’s hoping that between now and Christmas things go better for Santa. I know his elves are pitching in to create some cheer. Just go to www.elfyourself.com where you can see elves dancing to Christmas music. Better yet, you’ll be able to upload pictures of yourself and loved ones, replace the elves’ faces with those of you and yours, and thus create dancing elves sporting your own faces. It’s hilarious and you can e-mail your creation to others so they can get a holiday chuckle too. The kids will love creating these and it’s all completely free.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.