Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: February 24, 2007

THE NOT-SO-FRIENDLY SKIES

"They ought to run (insert institution here – school, government agency, public facility, etc.) like a business." I often hear this refrain from people who assume anything called a "business" is automatically efficient and well administered. My response is a loud "Ha!" I offer as proof of my "Ha!" one of the largest industries in the country, if not the world – passenger airline companies. If there’s a more convoluted "business" in the universe I haven’t found it.

What set me off on this tangent was an e-mail from Northwest Airlines telling me I had accumulated enough frequent flyer miles to qualify for a free ticket. This had never happened to me before so I phoned them to confirm my good fortune and was told point blank "if there’s a seat available on any of our flights you can book it with your free ticket."

Great, I thought. After checking on the Internet to make sure seats were available I called back. Could I go to visit my daughter in Washington? Nope, that flight didn’t qualify for the free ticket. Could I go to California to visit my brother? Nope. Could I join friends on a flight to Denver? Nope.

At that point I asked what "any" meant, as in "any of our flights." It turns out that when it comes to frequent flyer free tickets "any" means that you can fly to "any" destination where you don’t want to go, at "any" time when you don’t want to go there, as long as you book a year in advance. For example, I can fly to Death Valley in August 2008. Other than that I’m pretty much out of luck.

Oh well, what did I expect from the absolute mess we call "the airlines?" (And you have to think of the entire industry, with the Transportation Safety Administration included, as one big group to get the full picture.) You know, this is the "business" which most recently stranded people on tarmacs for up to eleven hours. Worse, on December 20 a jet en route to Denver was diverted to Cheyenne, Wyoming. The next day the pilots flew the plane away and left the passengers behind! United finally bussed the passengers out two days later, and only agreed to pay their hotel and meal expenses after USA Today exposed the fiasco. The same thing happened to 100 passengers who were left behind in Scotsbluff, Nebraska on February 8 as their United Express and American Connection planes abandoned them. The passengers themselves had to chip in $20 apiece to hire a bus, and only then did the airlines agree to pay for the alternate transportation.

This is the "business" which is so into security that they have been scoring each passenger for the last four years for their potential risk of being a terrorist. It’s called the Automated Targeting System and the data will be kept on file for the next 40 years and shared with other governments, Congress and some private contractors, but not with you. You are not allowed to see your own data or terrorist ranking, much less challenge it. Feel safer?

This is the "business" which makes you take off your shoes during security screening. Of course, if you don’t want to do that, they now have machines, for which they paid $200,000 per unit, that will allow you to pass through screening without removing your shoes – if you pay $100 in advance. The only problem is that the machines only have a 50% accuracy rate, so even after shelling out the non-refundable $100 you may still have to shed your sneakers. Nice scam, eh?

That’s not all. This "business" has another way to make money off security screening – advertisements in the security bins. Those trays into which you put your keys, belts, coats and cell phones will now be lined with ads. Now you’ll be able to enjoy reading ads for baldness cures and wart removers as you wait your turn in line to experience a delightful physical frisking.

And let’s not forget your luggage, which has about a 50-50 chance of actually arriving at the same destination as you. First they told you not to take a carry-on bag; pack everything in checked luggage. Then they told you to carry your valuables on board in a carry-on because if you left them in checked luggage they could get stolen during inspection. Then they limited your checked luggage to two suitcases. Now Spirit Airlines has dropped that to one suitcase, charging $10 for an "extra" bag, while British Airways will charge you a mind-boggling $236 per extra bag. My guess is that if you want to take some gear on vacation (skis, fishing rod, golf clubs, present for the new grandchild), you’ll have to mortgage your house.

Oh yeah, if you do get your suitcase on the plane, it will be in a cargo hold with commercial containers which have gone through not a single screening procedure – not one. Industry spokesmen say to inspect such cargo would be bad for "business" and that they do inspect anything with a suspicious label. So, if a terrorist writes "Explosives" on the side of a shipping container that would merit a second look. However, if the terrorist has a higher IQ than the average cinder block, chances are he’d write "Medical Supplies" on the container, thereby zipping into the plane with no inspection. That container could be right below your seat. Remember that as you take your shoes out of the high security bin advertising nasal spray.

Even with all this "security," a 9-year-old boy sneaked onto a Southwest Air flight in January by using an absolutely impenetrable ruse. He had no ticket, no boarding pass, no identification, so he just told security personnel: "My mom told me to meet her in the boarding area." After clearing "security" he waltzed onto a plane and flew from Seattle to San Antonio. I guess he was too short to be targeted by the Automated Targeting System.

This is how a "business" should do business? As Wally Cleaver used to say: "Hey Beaver, I think they’re just giving us the business."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.