Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: June 16, 2007

JIM NEFF

CAN THE SMALL TALK WITH THESE BARBEQUE TOPICS

Here’s the deal. Summer is here which means you’ll inevitably attend a gathering known as a "barbeque." Chances are you’ll eventually find yourself sitting in a circle around copious amounts of sizzling meat, frosty beverage in hand, trying to maintain consciousness while what’s called "small talk" is bandied about.

Therein is the problem. Depending on the size of the animal flesh on the Barbie (a leg of water buffalo can take many hours of grilling to soften up to gnarlablity), the number discussion topics can quickly be whittled away. After the weather, the Tigers, and the optimal setting for your lawn mower are beaten to death what are you going to talk about for the next twelve hours?

Ah, do not despair. As a public service, I offer some barbeque-worthy topics sure to enhance any mammal charring party.

PARIS HILTON: Here’s a question. How much does it cost per day to incarcerate an average female inmate in Los Angeles? Answer: $99.64. How much does it cost taxpayers to incarcerate Paris Hilton? Answer: $1,109.78 Why? Hilton "requires" medical treatment and "staff associated with her needs," according to the LA sheriff’s department. Tossing out this factoid will require no extra effort on your part. Just sit back and let others run with this bone. Enjoy the show.

GEOTHERMAL ENERGY: I know this sounds like a subject that should come with an "eggheads only" sticker, but imagine how intelligent you’ll sound if you toss this out after a few frosty beverages have been consumed. Actually, it’s pretty simple. According to an MIT report, by tapping into the earth’s geothermal energy sources (which already exist and are unending) this technology could provide 10% of the country’s electricity by 2050. Already 3% of the nation’s renewable energy is geothermal via 62 plants in California, Alaska, Nevada, Utah and Hawaii, with 75 more plants under development. MIT suggests that just a billion dollar investment in research over the next 15 years will get us to the 10% goal. That’s just $183,000 per day, which isn’t even pocket change in Washington, D.C. Naturally, the main hurdle is the Bush administration which is against funding the research. They say the "technology is mature." Translation – the oil companies are against any alternative energy sources.

TEXT MESSAGING WHILE DRIVING: Does this sound like a good idea to anyone? Do you really want you children crossing the street knowing that people are driving cars while reading and sending text messages on their cell phones? You might be interested to know that only one state – Washington – has a law against texting while driving, and they just passed it in January. What are the rest of the states waiting for? Duh! This is a no-brainer. It’s nothing to LOL about.

DON’T ASK, DON’T TRANSLATE: As we all know, a huge part of the war in Iraq centers around intelligence gathering. Regardless of your political leaning, you must surely agree that the more intelligence our forces are able to gather and utilize the safer their mission becomes. The bottom line is that good intelligence save lives. A key element to intelligence gathering is having Arabic language translators available to quickly and precisely translate and analyze what has been gathered. We have precious few of those people.

So, here is a question for you. If you have a loved one in the military serving on the battlefield, and his or her life depends on accurate translation of intelligence by an Arabic language translator, do you want that intelligence translated even if the person doing the translating is gay? I ask because, according to the New York Times, more than 58 Arabic translators have been kicked out of the service under the provisions of "don’t ask, don’t tell." No one knows how that ‘translates’ to casualty figures. Quite a conundrum, huh?

DEER FARMING: Heaven knows we have a lot of deer around here, just ask any farmer. Maybe it’s time for some of our local farmers to cash in on one of the newest ways to make an agriculture buck – deer farms. Some Pennsylvania farmers have turned away from traditional farming and have been raising deer as their main "crop." They sell the meat, sure, but there’s more. Fawns sell for $400 apiece with mature animals going for several hundred dollars more. Deer urine, used by hunters, sells for $99 per 2-ounce bottle. The antlers are in demand, too. Farm raised deer live four times longer than those in the wild and farmers claim they are easy to raise – just basically feed them – and healthier. Better yet, they don’t taste like chicken.

FATHER’S DAY GIFT: If your barbeque is this Sunday, give dad something he can show off at the gathering – the Calloway LR 1200 Rangefinder. This is a golf gizmo that measures the distance between where you stand and the golf green you’re shooting at. They claim it’s good up to 1200 yards, for dads that hit drives four times farther than Tiger Woods. Of course, if your dad hits his ball into the rough with regularity a weed whacker may be more appropriate, but the LR 1200 is way cooler. Only $499.95, a real bargain.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.us.