Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: June 2, 2007

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 14

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

We’ve already told you about the items thieves are stealing in Flint: sewer grates and manhole covers from city streets for the scrap metal, catalytic converters from cars in mall parking lots for the platinum, and DVDs from the public library to cash in at pawn shops.

Now a new item has been added to the hit list – air conditioning units (for the copper tubing, etc. contained therein). We’re not talking about the tiny units in home windows; we’re talking the giant commercial kind, the ones that take heavy equipment, big trucks, and several men to move. Taking these requires lots of time, makes lots of noise, and you would think would be nearly impossible to do without someone noticing.

The most disgusting theft so far occurred recently at a Flint church, where not one but two units were pirated away from a chain link fence enclosure. The pastor said the congregation would pray for the robbers, but according to the Detroit Free Press copper is fetching over two dollars a pound in southeast Michigan. If I was the pastor I wouldn’t expect that ill-gotten gain to be returned via the collection plate anytime soon. You have to be a pretty low individual to steal from a church. I know Christians preach forgiveness, but this may be a case where a lightning bolt from the sky aimed at a wayward soul might have been an acceptable response.

While the criminals in Flint have a lot of gall, to say the least, a gang in Johannesburg, South Africa takes top honors in the "making sure we’re not going to be followed" category. The gang forced their way into a man’s home and after making the man remove his clothing the poor victim was super-glued to the seat of an exercise bicycle, his hands were super-glued as were his feet and then his mouth was super-glued shut. Then the robbers ransacked the house while helping themselves to the man’s liquor cabinet. Needless to say, when the thieves were finished they departed and have yet to be captured.

Meanwhile, back in the States, Evonne D. Maurice of Providence, Rhode Island planned her getaway from the scene of her crime with a lot more style. Unfortunately, style did not make up for a teensy bit of bad planning. You see, Evonne tried to rob a bank at a drive-up window while traveling in a hired limousine. Authorities said Evonne had a limousine take her to a Citizens Bank branch and then she handed the teller an envelope with a note demanding money and saying there were two bombs in the bank. The teller triggered an alarm and Maurice had the limo driven away. The driver was unaware of the robbery attempt, according to authorities. Later, police found it ridiculously easy to track down the stylish but dimwitted Evonne who now faces a maximum sentence of 20 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

Sometimes sleeping through a crime might be better than a shot in the head, as they say. But Michael Lusher of Huntington, West Virginia, apparently a sound sleeper, recently scored a rare "two-fer." A small-caliber bullet struck him in the head as he slept, but he didn't realize it until he awoke nearly four hours later and noticed blood coming from his head. The bullet that struck him was one of five that someone sprayed across his mobile home and truck at about 4:20 a.m. on a recent morning. Police, exhibiting a keen sense of medical knowledge, noted in their report that it was fortunate the bullet struck Lusher in the head and thus wasn’t life threatening.

However, when it comes to life threatening it’s tough to top an upstate New York couple who bought a house last summer. After living in the house for a few months they began to smell an odor and decided to inspect the attic. What they found was hundreds of dead bats and 3,500 pounds of droppings. Fearing an ignominious death if the ceiling collapsed (being buried by bat guano is not a fun way to go), the couple had to shell out $25,000 to clean up the mess.

While "cashing in your chips" via bat doo-doo is not too appealing, Harley-Davidson enthusiasts who take the motto "Live to Ride, Ride to Live" to heart now have a great way to take that last ride. A Long Island funeral home chain invested $100,000 in a three-wheeled Harley and carriage-style hearse for bikers who want to go out with a roar. According to the owners of the Moloney Funeral Homes: "The black hearse is a replica of a 19th-century horse-drawn carriage and features sconces in each corner, a large window on either side and burgundy and gold curtains. The black and chrome motorcycle is a 2006 Road King Classic. For $795, a driver will take the dearly departed from the funeral home to the house of worship, then on to the cemetery." They added, "If you're going to go out, you gotta go out in style."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.us.