Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: March 5, 2007

TIME FOR A FEW LAUGHS

It’s easy to feel depressed these days. Watching the news or looking at your bank account is enough to make you go screaming into the night.

Ah, but you can always count on the readers of this column to come to the rescue with something to uplift spirits. I receive a regular stream of humor from readers and I thought this might be a great time to share some knee-slappers.

One reader sent me a collection of sentences that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals…Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands…Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get…At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice…Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered…The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility…Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow…The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sticking with the religious theme, a reader cracked this joke titled "Build Me a Bridge." A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Take a little more time and think of something that would be more appropriate for Me to do." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make her truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Another reader sent this to prove that sometimes even old men can think pretty fast. An old man had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming and one evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket so he could pick some apples on the way back. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

There are always readers who like political jokes. I liked the following one because you can tailor it to your party leanings. Remember these names if you lean left: George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Newt Gingrich, and Karl Rove. Remember these names if you lean right: Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Al Sharpton, Jane Fonda.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of Washington.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened; what's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped INSERT YOUR REMEMBERED NAMES HERE. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "About a gallon."

Still political, a reader sent me comedian George Carlin’s theory on how we can save gas. "The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal aliens! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him (or her) a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. Problem solved."

Finally, my buddy Bob from Chicago zapped this line to me. "A recent study says that over 60% of Americans are overweight. Of course, those are just round figures."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.