Neff Zone Column -- November 24, 2007

Print Edition: November 24, 2007

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFFING: VOLUME 17

This is the fourth holiday season for the Neff Zone column. My practice has been that between Thanksgiving and Christmas good cheer should reign in the Zone. So, in the spirit of the season all things serious will take a holiday hiatus. There will be plenty of time to wrestle with the issues of the day once 2008 rolls around.

To that end, kidlings, it’s time for a special edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff(ing)," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

One holiday treat the Neffs have always enjoyed is mixed nuts, the in-the-shell kind you see in stores this time of year. The nuts are nutritious and it is very entertaining to see if you can land a few shells in your brother’s adult beverage. Unfortunately, no such nutty fun will be available to a Flint man this season because someone stole the walnut trees from his yard, according to WJRT-TV.

"It's just amazing. How could those big trees disappear?" asked property owner Ron Leitgeb. "Somebody had to have some big equipment to take them out of here."

Neighbors say they saw a flatbed truck and a Caterpillar front-end loader pull up in front of the house last Monday morning. In two hours, their work was done. The thieves took two trunks, each about 20 feet long. They left behind a pile of limbs.

He reported the theft to Flint Police, but he says they seemed indifferent to his case. "The one sergeant said, 'I've never heard of anyone stealing trees.'"

Well, that’s not entirely true. Big Rob reported last year about this time that thieves stole the pine tree next to the front door of our favorite golf course near downtown Flint. It looks like tree theft is becoming a Flint holiday tradition.

Of course, when it comes to holiday traditions nothing tops the shopping for and giving of gifts during the holidays. A new analysis commissioned by a retail trade group has unearthed stunning results. They found that people with more money spend more on gifts and people with less money spend less on gifts. I’m stunned, but not by the findings. I can’t believe that there are analysts who are actually paid to produce reports like this. Where can I get one of these jobs? I think some business should hire me to determine why Michigan’s snowmobile trails are more popular than those in Florida or why boat sales in Death Valley lag behind the national average.

If you’re one of those people with less money to spend this holiday season here’s a great low-cost gift combo for the sports fanatic on your list – a chess set and a pair of boxing gloves. With those he or she can participate in Chess Boxing, the hottest new sport in Germany.

According to the World Chess Boxing Organization www.wcbo.org, a typical contest consists of 11 rounds alternating between chess and boxing. The winner is determined by a check mate or a knock out. I guess if you’re a pencil-necked geek, the idea would be to get a check mate in the first round. Otherwise the drooling behemoth across from you gets a chance to turn you into a pile of hamburger in round two.

Of course, chess boxing is appropriate for adults only. If you want your kids to enjoy something similar you’ll have to cobble together your own combination, like Candyland and Three Stooges eye pokes.

While you’re out looking for that perfect gift you’ll no doubt see that ubiquitous representative of Christmas, Santa Claus. These days, though, being a jolly old elf isn’t what it used to be.

The good folks down in Clio, north of Flint, throw a dandy holiday parade, this year on December 7, but they’re asking the Santas to stay home. It seems that last year there were so many Santas in the parade that it freaked out the small children attending the event. Parents had a heck of a time explaining to their tykes how to tell the difference between the real Santa and almost 100 "helpers" who dressed exactly the same.

That’s nothing, though, compared to the confusion kids in Australia are facing because Santas there can’t say "ho, ho, ho" anymore and have to say something like "heh, heh, heh." A company that trains Santa Clauses reportedly told recruits to avoid "ho, ho, ho," because it could offend women.

At the risk of being politically incorrect here, let me observe that if a woman finds offense with Santa chuckling a hearty "ho,ho,ho" she needs to reconfigure the spell check function in her occupational dictionary. Plus, I find "heh, heh, heh" or "hee, hee, hee" infinitely creepier and uncomfortably sinister, especially when uttered around children.

I agree with a Santa trainer with a New Jersey company which hoped that American Santas will continue to resound with "hos" and that they all wear a good deodorant.

Finally, after all that shopping and "ho-hoing" you might be tired and hungry. You might wonder what to do with that leftover Thanksgiving turkey. I’d suggest giving the Neff brothers’ official "Best Sandwich in the Whole Wide World" a try – peanut butter and turkey. I’m telling you, a PBT and a cold glass of chocolate milk is about as good as it gets.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.