Neff Zone Column -- October 27, 2007

Print Edition: October 27, 2007

BANG YOUR HEAD REPEATEDLY

It’s time for another head banging session. This is where we look at topics that make you want to invoke the lyrical refrain from the old rock band Quiet Riot: "Bang your head, mental health will drive you mad."

Leading off is some news from the animal kingdom. I’m sure you’ve all read the reports about animal shelters having more homeless dogs than people who want to adopt them. Every year four million dogs are euthanized at shelters because there is simply no other alternative.

It’s so bad that a new national website, Dogs In Danger ( www.dogsindanger.com ) dramatically highlights the problem with a death watch. They put a picture of a pooch on the front of their website with a line like, "Time is running out for Fluffy." You can then check back each day as the death clock clicks down. Some dogs get adopted and some get sent to that big kennel in the sky. It’s a bit unnerving.

Against this backdrop comes a story in USA Today that thousands of stray dogs are being imported into the U.S. from foreign countries. The importers (you are not going to believe this) are animal shelters in this country, primarily in the Northeast. It seems that some animal shelters don’t have enough dogs, so they are going outside the U.S. to get them. Last year, 10,000 dogs came into San Diego County from Mexico, as an example.

So here we are executing four million dogs per year and then rounding up strays in Mexico City and shipping them to Boston. How can this be cost effective? None of the four million croaked canines could have been sent to New England shelters? Bang, bang, bang!

As long as we’re in the animal kingdom, let’s cover another branch of the same family – Washington lobbyists. Did you know that if you, as a taxpayer and American citizen, go to Washington in hopes of attending a Congressional or Senate hearing there’s almost no chance you’ll be able to get in. Sure the admission is free, but you do need to stand in line and therein lies the catch. Washington lobbyists will have already hired other people to stand in line for them, thereby assuring that almost all seats at hearings are taken by lobbyists for special interest groups.

They do this by using a service called LineStanding.com ( www.linestanding.com ), which describes itself as: "A leader in the Congressional line standing business since 1985. We rank high in volume and produce high quality line standing services for Congressional hearings."

The service goes on to note that they only use "professional linestanders" and that "we've provided services to many of Washington’s top lobbyists, Fortune 500 companies, industry associations, and public interest groups." They are very proud to add that they have helped clients get very difficult to obtain seats for hearings.

The cost for a professional linestander is around $60 per hour. Now you know why the voices average people go unheard in the halls of Congress. Bang, bang, bang!

Well, as lines go, at least one just got shorter – the one for illegal immigrants sneaking across the border from Mexico. That’s because new airlines in that country have taken wing to transport passengers from the far reaches of the Mexican hinterlands right up to border cities. Among fliers these new ventures are called "Aeromigrante," or in English "Migrant Air."

For about $150 an illegal can travel in relative comfort to a border town, much better than walking or taking a dusty old bus. They arrive well-rested and ready to go for the last leg of their journey, sneaking into the United States.

Of course, the Mexican government claims ignorance of this enterprise, even though when the planes make the return flights to the hinterlands they are empty. Nothing like cooperation from a sincere ally. Bang, bang, bang!

Finally, here’s one from the "Eeeewwww, yuk" department. At a recent medical conference in Las Vegas, scientists revealed that they are on the brink of a marvelous medical breakthrough. Very soon they will be able to take the scalp of a cadaver in one piece and transplant it onto the head of a bald guy. They’ve actually tried this on lab animals at the Cleveland Clinic, which makes me wonder where they found bald-headed rats.

Now, doctors claim that there will be all sorts of sound medical reasons for performing these transplants, as in the case of burn victims for example. I have no doubt they are well intentioned. But you and I actually know where this is headed (pun intended) don’t we?

I can just see it. A transplant team rushes to an awaiting helicopter with a cooler containing a dead guy’s rug. They land at a hospital in Beverly Hills where another team snatches the cooler and sprints to a team of surgeons standing by in an operating room.

On the operating table is a 70-year-old mogul who has paid $1 million to carpet his chrome dome so he can impress his 21-year-old bimbo girlfriend. You just know this is what’s going to happen. The Beverly Hills plastic surgeons are already licking their chops. Bang, bang, bang!

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.