Neff Zone Column

Print Edition: September 8, 2007

JIMMY’S EXCELLENT L.A. ADVENTURE

Over the Labor Day weekend I traveled to Los Angeles to visit my brother, Big Dave. I’ve been there before but regardless of that I’m never ready for the culture shock.

For example, in the ten minutes after Big Dave picked me up at the airport I saw more cars than I’d seen in the past year in Cadillac – LA is one huge traffic jam 24/7/365. And no matter how many times I see it I can’t get my head around that California motorcycle riders can "ride the lines" between the lanes of traffic. Even if you’re going 80 mph in your car they pass you, squeezing between you and the car in the lane next to you, and it scares the stuffings out of me.

As Dave is a huge NASCAR fan, we attended three days of racing at the California Speedway. Just watching the NASCAR money machine in action is interesting, but this time around I was dazed and confused. The track is east of LA in Fontana, a desert community where the nearest shade tree is somewhere near Wyoming. The temperatures for the three days we spent at the Speedway were 104, 111, and 121. The Californians were a tad warm, but basically basked in the sunshine. I, on the other hand, slathered in 10,000-block sunscreen, was delirious most of the weekend. Unfortunately, I wore my Cadillac baseball cap so now everyone who saw me thinks people from our town are drooling slabs of bacon.

When we were not working on our skin cancer at the track, we relaxed at Big Dave’s. I love it there. He has cable, Direct TV, two Tivo units and an entertainment system with at least 17 different components. There is not a gizmo he does not have or a channel he does not get. Due to the three hour time difference college football comes on at 9 AM and I could watch games from the east coast in the morning and the west coast in the afternoon – a bonanza.

As complicated as Dave’s living room is (he even has remote controls for his lamps), his kitchen is deceptively simple. He’s a bachelor and as such has developed a fool proof "system" for kitchen utensils. Two drawers: 1) things that cut, 2) things that don’t cut. You might laugh, but as a visitor I instantly know where to look for all the utensils. Beer opener – things that don’t cut. Cheese slicer – things that cut. Life is good and no valuable TV time is wasted while you look for snack opening tools in the pantry.

Of course, going to LA meant that I had to do battle with the airline system, an industry regular readers know I have trashed on occasion. I have to admit, though, on this trip my Northwest flights were on time and my baggage was handled efficiently. No complaints.

Since Northwest had it together it did give me a chance to focus on the passengers and I’ve come to the conclusion that as bad as airline service has become in this country the passengers have to take some of the blame. Simply put, some people should not be allowed on an airplane until they get their act together. Stupidity and rudeness are rampant and add immeasurably to the tension inherent in air travel.

First of all, anyone wearing flip-flops should not be allowed on a plane. I can’t imagine why one would think flip-flops constitute shoes or why you’d wear them to an airport. I mean, just look at the slimy, germ-infested floors of airport restrooms, the dusty airport corridors, and the dirty floors of airplanes. Why would you want your unshod feet in that cesspool?

Beyond that, if a problem does occur with your flight, how can airline personnel take you seriously if you’re in flip-flops? What are you, a member of the Beach Boys? Are you going to burst into a few bars of "Help Me Rhonda?"

Speaking of taking passengers seriously, it would help if people didn’t dress like clowns. I saw a 40-ish guy wearing Mickey Mouse ears in Minneapolis. I saw a woman in LA dressed in pajamas. I saw any number of people in tee shirts with obscene sayings on them. Geez, people, take a look in the mirror before you leave the house.

Then there are the "bag people." The lady who sat across from me from Minneapolis to LA had not one, but two dogs in a bag under her seat. She also had a carry-on suitcase about the size of a medium U-Haul, a purse that could serve as a tent for a Pakistani family, and a grocery bag full of snacks. She held up the entire plane as she tried to stow everything before we departed and gather everything before we got off the plane. Talk about other passengers being perturbed. (Don’t even get me started on why I have to take off my belt and shoes to go through security but this doofus gets to carry on two dogs.) I’m just thankful that during the trip the dogs didn’t do what dogs doo.

If all that isn’t enough to cause extra tension for the passengers and crew, the whole obesity epidemic in this country is now an issue on airplanes. Don’t complain that I’m being insensitive or politically incorrect. The fact of the matter is that the standard plane seat is 17.2" wide but the posteriors of many passengers have grow beyond that specification. I witnessed several chilly confrontations where one passenger consumed a seat-and-a-half leaving only a half-seat for another passenger. The assumption that if I paid for one full seat I should have exclusive use of that space (and not have it encroached upon by a larger seatmate) is being debated virtually on every flight. Passengers are literally sitting on one another and things are getting ugly.

Ah, but all is well that ends well. I returned a bit broiled but otherwise unscathed. And somewhere in America some columnist is writing about the goofy bald guy he saw on a flight from LA.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.