Print Edition: December 13, 2008
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT…?
This is the time of year when we often find ourselves at parties or social gatherings. Inevitably, we seem to wind up making chit-chat with people we don’t know about subjects no one cares about anyway.
If you find yourself in such a predicament, may I suggest that you could be the life of the party by just telling a few jokes or humorous stories. So, as a public service, I thought I’d pass along some good ones that were sent to me by readers of this column. The jokes and stories are guaranteed to be appropriate for all audiences, plus you know they have to be prime material because people who read this column are of the highest caliber and utmost intelligence. Here we go.
BEST FRIEND: A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir, come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry,sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me," he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
COMPUTER CONTEST: Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said….."JESUS SAVES."
SPORTS NEWSFLASH: This just in. Detroit, Michigan – December 13, 2008 -- Detroit Lions football practice was delayed nearly two hours this afternoon after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Rod Marinelli immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, Michigan State Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed after the forensic experts decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
FINALLY: A Michigan Winter Poem – Author unknown.
It's winter here in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour,
At twenty-five below.
Oh, how I love ole Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter
And your nose freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave my Michigan
‘Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.
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