Neff Zone Column -- July 5, 2008

Print Edition: July 5, 2008

BILLIONS, ICE, AND MEALS ON WHEELS

Outta the Zone…There a lot of numbers being thrown around these days, particularly when it comes to government spending. It brings to mind my favorite quote from a politician about spending: "A billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you’re talking about real money." The late Everett Dirksen, Republican Senator from Illinois, uncorked that gem, and he also said: "I have said with respect to authorization bills that I do not want the Congress or the country to commit fiscal suicide on the installment plan."

In the run-up to the presidential election, the promise to spend billions of dollars on this or that is a daily occurrence for both the Republicans and the Democrats. But how many of us has any concept of what a billion actually is (which was Dirksen’s point)?

Consider this. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion days ago no one walked the earth on two feet. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes ago, at the rate our government is spending it. Sort of makes you proud to be an American on this Fourth of July weekend, doesn’t it?

Speaking of spending money, John McCain wants to give $300 million to the first company that invents an efficient battery for electric cars. Before you scoff at that idea, let me tell you I know where he can get $200 million right now.

The U.S. has given Pakistan $200 million to build an air defense system to protect itself from Al Qaeda. The teensy-weensy glitch here is that the Pakistanis cannot account for any of the money or show that a single air defense installation has been built. Oh yeah, one more thing, Al Qaeda doesn’t have an air force.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather give that $200 million to an American inventor than to a fictitious Pakistani air defense system that will supposedly fight a non-existent Al Qaeda air force.

On a note closer to home this holiday weekend, many of us will be having picnics and that means filling coolers with ice. Did you know that there’s a federal probe going on because allegedly only three companies in the entire country control the bagged ice industry? A federal grand jury in Detroit is investigating charges of price fixing.

Don’t worry, though. If this investigation results in an ice shortage I’ll save you. My family has an old recipe for ice that has been handed down from generation to generation. If there’s ice emergency I’ll publish the recipe for ice right here in this column. No need to thank me or send money; it will be a free public service.

Hey, if you’re sitting around the camp fire this weekend and need a good, clean joke to tell, here’s one that came to me over that Internet thingy.

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.