Neff Zone Column -- May 10, 2008

Print Edition: May 10, 2008

TAX EVASION, NASCAR, AND BARBEQUE RULES

Outta the Zone…The General Accountability Office says that 60,000 firms owe the federal government almost $8 billion in unpaid taxes. Worse, the GAO said that some government contractors were given new contracts when they had not paid their taxes or, in some cases, even filed a tax return. Ironically, they got the new contracts because they could bid lower than the companies that actually paid their taxes.

*Finance companies have a new hi-tech gizmo that disables a car if the borrower misses a payment. If you don’t pay on time, you can’t drive the car until you make your payment.

*OK, explain this to me. If a finance company can electronically disable your car the minute your payment is overdue, why can’t the federal government figure out a way to require a company to pay its taxes before the company can bid on another government contract?

*Still on the tax issue, did you know that profits earned by corporations in the United States are subject to a 35% corporate tax but multinational companies can defer paying U.S. taxes on their overseas earning until they bring them into the U.S.? That usually doesn’t happen for years, if ever. That’s why GE now has $62 billion parked offshore, Pfizer has $60 billion and ExxonMobile has $56 billion.

*November is fast approaching and with it will come elections (finally). If you wonder how the vote counting will go, my guess is that it will be a mess again. Why? Because we, as a country, can’t even figure out how to count ourselves. The Census Bureau invested $600 million in handheld computers so the door-to-door head counters would have the latest technology. Now they’ve found that technology problems would require another $2 billion to fix. They figure the 2010 census will already cost $11 billion, the most expensive ever. Now, get this, it will probably be done with paper and pencil. Eleven billion dollars for paper and pencil? Holy Ticonderoga!

*Speaking of high-tech, Michigan is actually a pretty good place to be if you want to work in the technology sector. Currently, there are 176,095 tech jobs in Michigan, tenth highest in the nation.

*Speaking of the election, the subject of "experience" has been a hotly debated item. Just FYI, Abraham Lincoln only had eight years of Illinois state government and a few more in congress before he became president. Dwight Eisenhower and U.S. Grant had never held elective office. On the other hand, James Buchanan had 31 years of experience as a legislator and still sat idly by as the Union disintegrated.

*I see where the Interior Ministry of Iraq has fired 421 policemen and 500 soldiers who deserted their posts rather than fire at members of Shi’ite militias. Hmmm…912 Iraqis, trained by the U.S., won’t shoot at Shi’ites, now out of a job…where would they seek employment? "Uncle Moqtada al-Sadr Wants You."

*NASCAR is certainly one of the most popular sports franchises in the country, but even they are finding it tough to get to the finish line in today’s sluggish economy. TV ratings are up, but ticket sales to some races are way down. Perhaps the fact that 53% of NASCAR fans earn less than $50,000 per year and 31% earn less than $30,000 has something to do with the slump in ticket sales. With gasoline at $3.75 per gallon, lodging at $200 per night, race tickets at $50-$100, and $7 track hot dogs, I’m thinking that La-Z-Boy in the living room is just dandy for most fans of modest means.

* Finally, with Mother’s Day tomorrow there will be surely be some men out there who will be in charge of cooking dinner. So, as a public service, I offer these Summer Barbecue Rules (which I found on that Internet thingy). Barbeque is the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – frosty beverage in hand.

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) Everyone praises and thanks the man for his cooking efforts. He then announces that, 'we should do it again soon.'

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.

(12) Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, the man concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.