Neff Zone Column -- May 24, 2008

Print Edition: May 24, 2008

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 20

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

As you know, things are really tough in Flint, but it’s getting so bad you can’t even count on a good insurance scam anymore (Flint Journal). The Flint River, which runs through downtown, is a murky mess, so officials decided to lower the water level to make it easier to clean up. When they did that they were surprised to find cars in the river, more that 15 at last count. Police speculate that most of the cars were stolen, but some had been dumped in the river for insurance purposes, especially some of the newer vehicles. "Just people trying to get insurance money…"Don't they understand when (the police) run that serial number, they're going to get in trouble?"

Says Big Rob, "Since I was a kid the river has been the color of mud, oil slicks always floated on the top, and no sane person ever touched the water. Why everyone is surprised to find cars down there is beyond me. Oh yeah, and this is the same river along which they want to put a state park campground on the site of an old Chevrolet plant about two miles west of downtown. Now that’s going to be a pristine wilderness!"

Moving out to the world at large, don’t you just love stories where people get what’s coming to them due to their own stupidity? A case in point happened to a 20-year-old man in Yakima, Washington (as reported by the Yakima Herald-Republic). Initially he told police he was the victim of a "drive-by shooting. Upon further investigation, however, officers doubted the story because the man’s "injuries" were to his "groin area" and appeared to be the result of a point-blank shot. Eventually the truth came out: the man, apparently a gang member, had jammed a sawed-off double-barreled shotgun into his waistband, and managed to discharge both barrels into his baggy pants. Officers described the result as "massive groin damage," although an argument could be made that the injury might better be described as brain damage.　

　 While the previous idiot got into trouble by being terminally stupid, sometimes stupid people get into a mess because they have the mistaken belief that they are actually smarter than everyone else. An example of this is Garrett A. Dalton, 41, of Naugatuck, Connecticut (as reported by the Waterbury Republican-American). Dalton, a corrections officer, put in a claim for worker's compensation saying he hurt his back lifting a case of toilet paper at the prison where he worked. He collected $5,227 in benefits and then returned to work after five months of recuperation. But during his time off, he was　photographed participating in a stunt sponsored by a radio station, specifically running a 40-yard dash wearing a woman's dress and high heels while carrying an egg on a spoon, an attempt to win tickets to a Hannah Montana concert. He didn't win, but the photo appeared in the newspaper, prison officials saw it, and Dalton was arrested and charged with workers' compensation fraud. He now faces up to 20 years in prison.

For some reason, parents (and I use the term loosely) have been in the news recently. A man in Darwin, Australia will probably never be nominated for a Parent of the Year award. 　Police say they were "shocked and appalled" when they pulled over an unregistered car in the central Australian town of Alice Springs. Inside they found a 30-can beer case was strapped in a seat belt between two adults sitting in the back seat of the car.　 However, a 5-year-old child was also in the back but was sitting on the lump in the floor, unrestrained. The "parent" was jailed and fined.

That story was topped by an Associated Press report about a Pennsylvania woman who will be serving 23 months in jail for her "parenting." She dressed up her 7-year-old son in a Cub Scout uniform and had him go out and collect money for a nonexistent cause. The kid collected a whopping $69, which works out to about 10 cents for every day she’ll spend in jail. What a genius!

Well, at least one set of parents have something to celebrate this weekend because they did a wonderful job of raising their son, Jeff Greenwood (according to the Houston Chronicle). Jeff not only graduated from Great Falls (Montana) High School, but he was the senior class president, student body president, valedictorian, and gave a speech at graduation ceremonies. To top it off, the governor of Montana, Brian Schweitzer, attended and gave the commencement address. It would be accurate to say Jeff Greenwood was "in a class by himself," mainly because he actually was the only graduate at Great Falls High this year; he was the sole member of the class of 2008. Next year the competition at GFH gets tougher because the class of 2009 has twelve members.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns on line at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.