October 25, 2008
NEWS ON THE BIG GAME: FAIR AND BALANCED
This just in from Neff News – Fair and Balanced. There’s a big football game being played this afternoon between the glorious green and white Spartans of Michigan State University and some other team that has one of its school colors confused with corn on the cob. For fair and balanced coverage of this contest you need go no farther than Neff News, which is always fair and balanced. The fact that I’m a graduate of MSU is immaterial in this instance because you can trust me due to my fairness and balancedness (which is not only a good trait but also a word I just made up).
Of course, being fair and balanced takes hard work. Lucky for me someone recently showed me that Internet thingy so rather than do any real fair and balanced research I thought I’d just string together some stuff from the Net and hope no one notices that I may have just a hint of bias.
Now, on to the big game. I think they’ll be playing football, which is sort of like rugby except halftime doesn’t involve the players drinking Guinness beer and singing songs with an Australian accent.
But first, some University of Michigan jokes:
*How many University of Michigan football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he gets 3 credits.
*What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT? Drool.
*What do you get when you cross a groundhog and the U of M football team? Six more weeks of bad football.
*How does a Michigan student earn money for college? The Tooth Fairy.
*How do you keep a Michigan Wolverine out of your yard? Put up goalposts.
*What do they call duct tape on cars owned by Michigan grads? Chrome.
*What is the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and a catfish? One has whiskers and eats worms; the other is a fish.
*What do you call 20 Michigan fans skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
*Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at the U of M? It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion.
*Why did the U of M grad get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector? He kept throwing out all the W&W's.
* Why don't U of M grads eat M&M's? They're too hard to peel.
*Did you hear about the Wolverine that drove his pickup into the lake? His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
*Why don't Wolverine tailgaters eat barbecue beans? Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
*Why don't Wolverine fans use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
*How can you tell a U of M grad is on location at a drilling rig? He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
*Why do Wolverine football players like smart women? Opposites attract.
*Wolverine fairy tale: The Wolverines were playing Toledo. It was near the end of the game and Toledo was ahead. Someone threw a firecracker and Toledo thought it was the gun and ran off the field celebrating. Three plays later the Wolverines scored and won!
*What did the Michigan graduate say to the Michigan State graduate upon meeting? Hi! Welcome to Burger Barn, may I take your order please?
*What do you call 144 U of M grads? Gross Ignorance!
* How do you get a U of M grad off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
*A Wolverine ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
*I bet you didn't know that a Wolverine invented the toothbrush. Of course if anyone else had invented it, it would have been known as a TEETHbrush.
*How do you know when a Wolverine has sent you an e-mail? When there's a stamp on it.
Now for the Michigan State Jokes:
*Why can't Spartan farmers raise chickens? They plant the eggs too deep.
Well, that does it for the Neff News coverage. Since MSU has lost the last six in a row in this rivalry and hasn’t won at that stadium located in a suburb of Ypsilanti since 1990, I’m sure you can see why we Spartan fans focus on jokes and not, you know, actual football.
As for the "fair and balanced" assertion, I may have been less than truthful about that. I offer a bit of wisdom from my late father, Big Don, who often said: "If you have to tell someone you are, you ain’t." Proper grammar aside, what Big Don meant was that if you have to actually tell someone you are a certain thing, you are not that certain thing. If you were that thing, it would be self evident and you would not feel the need to artificially convince them. You wouldn’t have to "tell," it would just be obviously apparent.
Awww, but I’ll bet you already knew that, so you were not fooled by me just telling you I was going to be fair and balanced. You’re too sharp to fall for that. Anyway, enjoy the game.
Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Neff Zone columns are online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.
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