Neff Zone Column -- September 27, 2008

Print Edition: September 27, 2008

THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD

The world has gone stark, raving mad and I can prove it. There are signs, big and small, all around us that clearly show the line between reality and absurdity has been crossed.

Proof: One needs to look no further than the current Wall Street mess. What we’re looking at with the proposed $700 billion bailout is (by any other name) simply the largest tax increase in the history of the United States. A poll of Americans this week by the Pew Research Center found that Republicans are more likely to favor the bailout than Democrats. So members of the party that is supposedly against taxes are for this historic tax and members of the party supposedly for taxes are against this tax. Can someone tell me "Who’s on first?"

Proof: According to the University of Delaware, the Wall Street executives who got us into this mess are among the highest paid executives anywhere. In fact, 50% of all investment bank earnings go into the pockets of executives.

Proof: The Chinese government currently holds in excess of $1 trillion in U.S. securities. At any time they can cash in their chips and cripple the U.S. economy.

Proof: The man charged with leading the United States out of this quagmire is Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. Before he got his current job he was the CEO of Goldman Sachs where he raked in $53.4 million during his last two years there. His total net worth is estimated at $700 million. In 2008 it was reported by the London Daily Telegraph that: "Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson has intimate relations with the Chinese elite, dating from his days at Goldman Sachs when he visited the country more than 70 times." Yup, his top priority will be to watch out for the little guys. And I might wake up tomorrow morning with a full head of hair.

Proof: In the midst of this economic chaos the presidential election is ongoing. According to non-partisan watchdogs FactCheck.org and PolitiFact.com, this campaign will set a record for the number of lies told. PolitiFact analyzed 117 statements made in ads by McCain and found 22 statements were barely true, 23 were false, and 6 were "pants on fire" (absurdly, ridiculously false). Of 120 Obama statements 14 were barely true, 18 were false, and one was "pants on fire."

About this, a USA Today editorial noted: "What’s worse than being ignorant of the truth is being indifferent to it – repeating falsehoods after they’ve been pointed out. After McCain’s claims are revealed to be false, he often repeats them anyway. Obama has changed some of his false assertions, though not all."

In this election, you can’t tell if we’re on the Straight Talk Express or the Forked Tongue Trolley?

Proof: All of the aforementioned are pretty major indicators of a worldwide sanity meltdown. There are all sorts of tiny things, however, that just add to the mix. For example, there are 22,000 felony warrants out in just Genesee (Flint, MI) alone for merchandise and retail fraud. Police say people are just filling shopping carts at big box stores and walking right out the front door without paying.

Proof: In China (where else) they’re reprocessing used condoms into rubber bands and hair ties. According to China Daily, these threaten the health of Chinese citizens and tourists because the products are full of viruses and bacteria and could lead to the spread of AIDS. No kidding? Way to be observant. Do you know why the hair bands are popular? They’re cheap. None have been traced to the U.S. yet, but the key word is "yet."

Proof: Condoms in this country are also in the news, but the concern is over condoms for dogs. You read that correctly – dogs. A company, DogCondoms.com, is recalling all of their products because they have a high failure rate. That goes for both the regular condoms and the meat-scented ones. That’s all I have to say about this; you can make up your own jokes.

Proof: In Orlando, Florida residents of some housing developments are now finding out their subdivisions were built on World War II bombing ranges. It turns out the land was never fully cleared of explosives so now homes, schools, and businesses are likely to have unexploded bombs underneath them. So far 200 bombs have been discovered in the last year alone. It’s the only place in America where you can get blown to pieces while building a bomb shelter in your back yard.

Proof: In Kinshasa, Congo (Africa) a riot at a soccer game killed 13 people. The riot was caused when one team accused a player on the other team of using witchcraft to get an unfair advantage. Sources close to William Clay Ford, Sr. say the rumors that the warlock in question has been offered Matt Millen’s old job as the general manager of the Detroit Lions cannot be confirmed or denied.

Proof: Finally, Air New Zealand is recruiting 70 bald men to stand in lines at airports. They want to put temporary tattoos advertising Air NZ on the chrome domes. The tattoos will last about two weeks.

All I can say is there is no truth to the rumor that from now on my picture in the Cadillac News will have "Your Ad Here" superimposed on my folliculary-challenged pate.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.