Neff Zone Column -- August 22, 2009

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Print Edition: August 22, 2009

JIM NEFF

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 24

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

It’s no secret that the Flint area is one of the most depressed places in the entire country. The Beecher district on the city’s north end is the epicenter of that designation. Well, that didn’t worry five members on an obscure local water and sewer board who recently charged taxpayers $36,000 for a 19-day trip to California, according to the Flint Journal. Their bills included stays at a $260-per-night hotel in San Diego, dinners of shrimp cocktail and filet mignon, even $50 tickets to Sea World -- courtesy of some of the poorest residents of Genesee County. All five members of the Beecher Metropolitan Water & Sewer District took the trip to San Diego to attend an American Water Works Association conference, which provided educational seminars for water officials from around the country.

Earma Cooper, president of Beecher Community Development Council, said: "This is just wrong. Beecher is the most depressed area of Genesee County, and we cannot afford this."

Resident Jessie Smart said board members would have been more careful with their spending if they had been using their own money in California. "Seeing Shamu was probably a beautiful thing," he said, "but I'm not seeing where anything was accomplished by it."

Adds Big Rob, who lives in an area that borders the Beecher district: "They called a visit to sea world educational because they were looking at how they filtered the water. The last time I checked killer whale waste wasn't a big problem in the drinking water around here."

Moving on…the beginning of the school year is just around the corner. This year’s college freshmen were born in 1991, so they bring have a certain set of experiences that influence how they see things. According to the Belloit College Mindset List, for these students: The Green Giant has always been Shrek, not the big guy picking vegetables; they have never used a card catalog to find a book; salsa has always outsold ketchup; Earvin "Magic" Johnson has always been HIV-positive; the KGB has never officially existed; they have never had to "shake down" an oral thermometer; they have never understood the meaning of R.S.V.P.; Bobby Cox has always managed the Atlanta Braves; they have always been able to read books on an electronic screen; there have always been flat screen televisions; everyone has always known what the evening news was before the Evening News came on; Britney Spears has always been heard on classic rock stations; Congress could never give itself a mid-term raise; there has always been blue Jell-O. You can see the complete 75 item list at www.beloit.edu/mindset/2013.php.

Speaking of school, under a new Texas law high school students could load up on cheerleading, football, and band for one-fourth of all their required high school classes (according to the Dallas Morning News). The law increased the number of electives high school students can take but didn’t specify which ones. Literally, a quarter of a student’s credits could now be in football. The bill’s author, Republican Representative Rob Eissler said he never considered that a student would try to "game the system." Yeah, who could have guessed that might happen in a state where football players are held back to take eighth grade a second time so they’ll be a year older when they play football in high school? What a shocker!

Still on football, the NCAA’s Football Fanhouse website reports that due to the recession and a subsequent budget crunch, New Mexico State's football team is requesting that fans donate snacks to the team. According to the AP, "New Mexico State's budget-conscious football staff distributed an e-mail this week asking fans to donate after-practice or late-night snacks for hungry players." Why are they doing this? To help close a $1.5 million budget gap. Wow, that’s a truckload of Cheetos, eh?

Hopefully, the donated snack fuel will help players finish games with more staying power. Last year's team was 3-9 and that was when the team could afford snacks!

Says Fanhouse, "In this day and age when some people are completely crazy…how long could it be until a fraternity at New Mexico puts the pledge class up to loading snacks with ex-lax or a crazy fan puts something dangerous in the food and the entire team violates the next drug testing?"

Finally, something from the "only in America" file. By now you know that California won’t be sending any of its felons to the maximum security prison in Standish. California cited "budget constraints" as the reason. However, it costs $45,000 per year to house a prisoner in California but $32,000 per year in Michigan, so there has to be more to it than that, right? According to USA Today, a major stumbling block in the proposed deal was that California officials were concerned that the health care provided to inmates in Michigan would not meet the mandates required by California law.

So…50 million Americans are without health care insurance and a debate is raging over providing health care for all (law abiding) citizens, but people who are serving life sentences for violent crimes have guaranteed health care for as long as they live, paid for by your tax dollars I might add. To top that, California won’t send prisoners to Michigan because our health care for felons isn’t good enough! Only in America.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.