Neff Zone Column -- December 12, 2009

Back up your data, pictures and music for as little as $3.75 per month. Never lose another file. More information about Carbonite from Jim Neff.

Print Edition: December 12, 2009

CHRISTMAS LEGENDS

Don't you just love a good Christmas legend? The best part about these is that you can roll out your knowledge about these things at holiday gatherings and one of two things will happen. One, your listeners will think you are a pretty intelligent person, which is always a great ego booster. Or, two, your listeners will think you are a monumental bore and flee from you, leaving you alone to enjoy your eggnog. Either way you win.

Legend: Santa's Reindeer were all male. Actually, if you believe the pictures of reindeer with antlers are accurate, all of Santa's reindeer were female. According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a female. This would explain why Santa’s reindeer never lose their way. Unlike male reindeer, they are not afraid to stop and ask for directions.

Legend: People born on Christmas are fortunate. This depends on how you look at things. People born on Christmas supposedly cannot be drowned or hanged. This is great if you plan on being a pirate later in life. Some also believe that those who are born on Christmas Eve turn into ghosts on that day every year while they sleep. This comes in handy when you want to peek at your Christmas presents but don't want anyone to see you. Now, if you were born on Christmas Eve and don't want to become a ghost, the remedy is to count the holes in a sieve from 11 o'clock on Christmas Eve until morning. The good news here is that you'll be awake come morning, which leads us to the next legend...

Legend: There are all sorts of things you can do on Christmas Day that will pay dividends all year long. The first person to hear the rooster crow on Christmas Day is assured of good luck (this is the payoff for those people who have been up since Christmas Eve counting holes in a sieve – see previous item). Every mince pie you eat at Christmas means a happy month in the year to come - if each pie is made by a different person and eaten in a different house. If you carry a scale from a fish eaten at Christmas in your pocket, your purse will be full all year. Other things that bring good luck on Christmas Day include wishing someone a Merry Christmas before putting on your socks and shoes, sneezing, eating breakfast by candlelight, hearing a cricket chirp, and kissing the oldest person in the house. As an old guy, this last one sounds great to me because I've run out of reasons for ladies to even give me the time of day, let alone plant a smacker on me.

Legend: Christmas is a good time to make predictions. If Christmas Day falls on a Thursday, the following year will be windy. If the sun shines through the limbs of the apple trees on Christmas Day, there will be a good crop of fruit next year.

At Christmas women can also predict the course of their love life. Young women who go out and hit pigs with a stick at Christmas can tell the age of their husbands-to-be: if the first pig that squeals is old, that means an old husband; a squealing young pig equals a young husband. If you're unmarried and no one kisses you under the mistletoe at Christmas, you won't marry during the following year. Of course, there may be a possibility that if you've been out attacking farm animals with shrubbery not a lot of men will be lining up to smooch with you, let alone propose marriage.

These gems are sure to wow all your friends and relatives, but if you need more ammunition you can always close with a joke. Like the one about the two little boys spending the night at their grandmother's house just before Christmas. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.