Neff Zone Column -- December 5, 2009

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Print Edition: December 5, 2009

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Thanksgiving has just clicked by on the calendar which means we’re officially in the holiday season. As has been my practice in doing this column over the years (this is column number 296), during the holidays I only focus on good news, positive stories, or things I find humorous.

By now you’re all shopping for the perfect gift for that special someone. I’m a big believer is shopping local, but to find something really unique I sometimes have to use that new fangled Internet thingy because the types of things that draw my (warped) attention are items no sane local store owner would carry.

So here we go. I’m about to solve all your gift giving needs. To do this we need to hop on the Net and go to one of my favorite all-time shopping sites – Think Geek www.thinkgeek.com.

Now folks, is there someone on your list who you know will have to spend the holidays with relatives they can’t stand? Well, step right up and give them an Annoy-a-tron for just $9.99. This is a thin little unit that generates a short, annoying beep every few minutes. You hide this thing and the unsuspecting relative will have a hard time finding the location of the sound because the beeps vary in intervals ranging from 2 to 8 minutes, which will slowly drive the relative bonkers. Better still, it will run for 3 to 4 weeks on a single battery so it will continue the hilarity long after you’ve departed for home.

Oh, you say you like the idea of driving people crazy during the holidays? Then how about a giving that special someone a gift card in a Gift Card Puzzle Vault ($4.99)? Pop in your favorite gift card of choice and then stand aside as the recipient tries to extract the card which is now encased in a clear plastic maze. This works really well with gift cards with expiration dates because time can run out before the recipient can even get at the card let alone use it. Now that's the true joy of giving!

Hey, have a musician on your list? How about getting that aspiring star an Electronic Guitar Tee Shirt ($29.99)? This shirt has a guitar painted on the front, but the kicker is that it’s actually a real guitar that you actually play because each button on the neck is a major chord; it’s a musical instrument that you to strum just like you would an actual guitar. A mini-amp that you clip to your belt is included.

It occurs to me that not only is this a great gift for musicians, but the possibilities seem endless when it comes to "significant others." I mean, how about if you give one of these to your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse – can you imagine the come-one lines? Hey baby, let me turn up your amp…well, you get the idea. And how about his and hers shirts? Geez, just hugging could produce anything from a ballad to heavy metal, if you catch my drift.

Moving on, how about something completely useless for the computer geek on you list. Folks, remember the idiotic craze that was the Pet Rock? Well, now you can get a high-tech version – the USB Pet Rock. Your geek will simply plug the USB cable attached to the rock into a free port on their computer. People will ask them what the USB Pet Rock does. Ah, therein lies the beauty and wonder of the thing because any explanation will work because the USB Pet Rock does absolutely nothing (and only costs $9.99).

Is there an athlete on your list? Well, if that person is a skier or snowmobiler they obviously could use some snow. Now you could hope that Mother Nature comes through in time, collect a bucket of the natural white stuff, freeze it, and then hope the person opens your gift before meltdown occurs, or you could just spend $11.99 and get them a can of Instant Snow. This hi-tech powdered polymer absorbs water and expands nearly 100 times into a flaky white non-toxic substance closely resembling real snow. Pour a few ounces into a container, add water, and watch as snow erupts, spilling over the container lid. Think Geek says you can even let this stuff dry out and use it again, so it’s "hippie friendly."

If your athlete is a golfer you might want to travel beyond thinkgeek.com and check out the V Harness at www.vharness.com. The V Harness is a (…ummmmm) harness that fits over a golfer’s head and arms. Then it has two cables coming out from it that attach to the grip of a golf club. Once a golfer is hogtied into this contraption the claim is that it will train said golfer’s swing into that of a PGA professional. As near as I can tell by watching the video on the Web site, if the golfer using the device does not wind up with a better swing, the V Harness would be perfect for tying up victims if the golfer ever decides to give up the sport in favor of holding up convenience stores. This two-for-one use makes the $199.99 a dandy bargain.

Finally, once you have your shopping completed your next task will be to keep the kids at bay until Christmas morning. As in the past, I’ve put together a special holiday web page with all sorts of family friendly websites to visit, games to play, and activities to do. It’s at www.neffzone.com/holidays.htm. While the kids are there, you might show them how to do something nice for others and the best part is that it won’t cost a dime. At the bottom of the page is a banner for The Hunger Site www.thehungersite.com and other charitable organizations. Click on the The Hunger Site and from there you can click another button that donates food to the hungry. The donation is paid for by corporate sponsors. You don’t have to sign up for anything or give out any personal information, just click and someone gets fed. At the top of The Hunger Site is a list of other sites that do similar charitable contributions: Breast Cancer, Child Health, Literacy, Rainforest, and Animal Rescue. Six clicks and you’ve done several good deeds that day.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.