Neff Zone Column -- February 7, 2009

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Print Edition: February 7, 2009

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 22

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

Some Cadillac merchants have noticed a drop in the number of snowmobilers coming to Cadillac this winter. According to Big Rob that may be due to the fact that some Flint area riders have found a new place to ride – namely the Flint City Cemetery. According to the Flint Journal, "A group of snowmobilers have turned the Flint City Cemetery – which honors veterans of the country’s greatest battles – into their personal recreation park."

Says a Flint Vietnam veteran who has watched in horror as the renegades have blazed tracks across more than 2,000 graves, "They’re just tearing up gravesites and knocking down grave stones…it’s just pure disrespect." Even though the cemetery is the Flint "City" Cemetery, it’s actually under the jurisdiction of Flint Township so law enforcement has been spotty at best.

Big Rob is as disgusted by this as I’m sure you are. How low can an individual sink in order to desecrate veterans’ graves in the name of "fun?" These hooligans should be caught and jailed (at the very least). And whatever Flint officials do, please don’t give these creeps directions to Cadillac.

Now on to the world of high finance. You’re going to love this. According to an Associated Press investigation several major U.S. banks sought government permission to bring thousands of workers into the country for high-paying jobs even as the system was imploding and Americans were getting laid off in droves. The dozen banks receiving the biggest rescue packages to the tune of $150 billion requested visas for 21,800 foreign workers. The average annual salary for the positions they would fill was $90,721, about twice the average median income for all American households.

The reason they sought to import workers to replace the Americans who were being axed is that the banks thought they could figure out a way to pay the imports less. Pretty slick because then the CEO’s and their minions could pocket more of the bailout money. The banks the AP contacted about this declined to make a comment. Gee, isn’t it nice not to be an auto company (that has to account for every penny of bailout money).

Another revelation by the AP this week shamed the Wells Fargo bank, another big bailout recipient, from going ahead with a lavish junket planned for February 25. About 40 of the company’s executives were scheduled to be feted at two Las Vegas hotels even though the company had posted a $2.25 billion fourth quarter loss. The only (and I mean only) reason the junket was halted was because someone caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.

Ah, but don’t be alarmed by all this because a senior writer for CNBC.com says that corporate excess is good for America. Cliff Mason says that "stuff that looks bad might not actually be bad." He opines that $50 million private jets, custom-built commodes, office redecoration with $5,000 parchment waste baskets actually create jobs for those who are trickled on down below.

Yup, I see his point. But, the jet ordered by Citicorp was not American made and I don’t think there’s much of a pent up demand for waste baskets made from flammable materials. Not many taxpayers would agree that they want their money spent on a Wells Fargo party. Thinking CEO greed is laudable is just another example of how these arrogant idiots just don’t "get it."

Enough of this bad, head thumping news. How about that Super Bowl? Great game, eh? If you lived in Tuscon, Arizona you even got (for lack of a more delicate term) "bonus coverage," or perhaps uncoverage in this case. It seems that right in the middle of a replay of an Arizona Cardinals touchdown the cable company inadvertently switched to 30 seconds of an adult channel’s programming. It was extremely graphic and a real eyeball burner and, needless to say, not at all suitable for family viewing. In fact, the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction of 2004 could be considered a G-rated faux pas when compared to this X-zillion doozey.

I love new products, especially ones that are variations on oldies but goodies. If you’ve ever had to answer nature’s call but couldn’t find a handy facility, the GAP Compliant Restroom Package ( www.sinksnmore.net ) is the answer. Basically, this is a port-a-potty on its own trailer, so you can haul your own personal facilities right behind your car or truck wherever you go. It comes with the potty, trailer, sink, towel dispenser, soap dispenser, and dump valve for just $1,995.

Oddly enough, after you stop giggling, this product does make sense. I can see how it might be useful at primitive camping sites, deer camps, and other locations where permanent plumbing is not available. And I think their advertising slogan, "Ready-To-Go," is actually pretty clever.

Finally, my cat, Ruby, thought the animal lovers in the audience should be interested in this – pet health insurance. If you go to www.petinsurance.com you can get a health care policy for everything from a dog to a parrot to a hoop snake.

I priced out a policy for Ruby and basically we’d get $15,000 worth of coverage for $39.83 per month. Geez, the cat already eats better than I do (I’ve been eying that Wiskas Turkey and Giblets), sleeps about 23 hours a day, and now would have a better health policy than half the humans in America. Besides, it’s hard to convince me she needs health insurance when she hasn’t gone outdoors since October and does not plan to until it’s 80 degrees again. Makes me wonder who’s the master and who’s the pet.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.