Neff Zone Column -- January 3, 2009

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Print Edition: January 3, 2009

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Now that the holidays are over it’s time to turn the focus of this column back to the real world, such as it is. In the immortal words of my favorite cowboy hero, Gene Autry, I’m "back in the saddle again."

According to a USA today/Gallup poll, the top three most admired men in the world today are Barack Obama, George Bush, and John McCain. Tying for fourth place was the curious trio of Pope Benedict XVI, Rev. Billy Graham, and Bill Clinton. Insert your own joke here.

Who says the rich bankers and CEO’s don’t know how to get a return on their investments? Citigroup and AIG were leading contributors to the Republican and Democrat national conventions according to the Center for Responsive Politics. In all, $118 million was provided to the conventions by private donors. I’d say getting $700 billion in return for $118 million is a pretty good day’s work. And, gee, they don’t even have to tell taxpayers how the $700 billion is being spent. I’d call this the crime of the century, but we still have 91 years to go.

After all, not to be outdone by the bankers, Chrysler’s leaders just spent a huge chunk of their government loan on newspaper advertising. They took out a series of full-page newspaper ads to thank Americans for "investing" in the company through the government's $17.4 billion auto industry bailout plan. The ads ran last week in several major daily newspapers, including USA Today and The Wall Street Journal. A full-page ad in The Wall Street Journal runs $264,000, and a full-page ad in USA Today costs $217,000. You would think that taxpayers could be thanked via e-mail, press release, or You Tube video, all of which cost next to nothing and would thus allow Chrysler to conserve its limited bailout money. This just goes to prove that there is no "off" position on the stupid switch.

While the CEO’s are cavorting with taxpayer money, the contrast out on the streets of America could not be more stark. According to the Agriculture Department, 691,000 children are going hungry these days and over the course of a year 36.2 million adults and children struggle with hunger at some point. That’s an increase of 40% since 2000. Apparently trickle down economics does not include breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Speaking of meals, did you know that whether you’re eating burgers, chicken or fries at a typical fast food restaurant, corn has a major role in your meal? According to Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, all of the chicken and 93% of the beef used by these restaurants had been corn fed exclusively. Most of the fries had been cooked in all or part in corn oil. There’s sort of a quandary here. If you eat a sack of sliders at the burger barn you’ve just consumed the raw materials needed to fuel your car with ethanol, which you need to power your car so you can get to the burger barn to buy the sliders (in the first place).

The corn dilemma is a prime example of something having unexpected consequences. Another good example of this is the 670 miles of fences that are being placed along the U.S.-Mexican border. The fences, obviously, are meant to keep illegal immigrants from coming into the country. However, cities like Lukeville, Arizona and Sonoyta, Mexico have experienced something not foreseen by the fence designers. Simply, when it rains and culverts fill, the mesh fences become clogged with debris and in effect become dams. The water rises behind these dams which causes flooding, which leads to environmental and property damage. Needless to say, when the water gets high enough illegals can float over the fence. On the bright side, I’ll bet there’s an uptick in canoe sales whenever a thunderstorm is spotted.

Unintended consequences also came into play for a Ferndale, Michigan couple recently. It seems they installed a state-of-the-art burglar alarm system in their home. The good news was that when the alarm was tripped one night the loud alarm caused the police to respond quickly. The bad news was that when the police arrived the front door was wide open and inside, in plain sight, was a marijuana growing operation. Whoa dude, bummer.

Ah, but then there are the cases of intended consequences. These occur when something is done and the perpetrators have full knowledge of what will happen as a result. When it comes to this category, the undisputed champions are our buddies in the tobacco industry.

This month R.J. Reynolds will launch Camel Orbs. The orbs are aspirin-size tablets that let the tobacco product melt in your mouth. It’s being described as a smoking lozenge. Now, they can couch this in whatever "smokeless" rhetoric they want to, but the intention is clear. With more places banning cigarette smoking the tobacco companies need a way to keep smokers hooked and entice youngsters to become addicted.

Don’t you sometimes wonder what would happen if the sales and development expertise of the tobacco companies could somehow be enlisted by the forces of good? I mean, they have a product that causes illness and death and yet they’ve managed to convince millions of people that using that product is a desirable thing. What would happen if these same skills were used to sell U.S. made automobiles? Geez, within months everyone in Japan would be driving Buicks.

Sing along now: Trigg, Tripp, Track, nicknackpaddywhack…" Nothing like a cheap political shot to make you laugh, even if you know you shouldn’t.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.