Neff Zone Column -- July 11, 2009

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Print Edition: July 11, 2009

AS THE WORM TURNS

I’m not much of a farmer and I don’t claim to be. After all, I grew up in Flint where our main crops were Buicks and Chevrolets. I went to high school in downtown Flint and our school campus didn’t have a blade of grass in the whole place, just concrete and blacktop. Farming was not in the curriculum.

Anyway, later in life (much later) I began brewing my own beer. That led to making salsa, naturally, because salsa goes with chips, which goes with beer. To make salsa you need hot peppers so a few years ago I began growing my own on the back porch. Other than preparing the soil, buying the plants, putting the plants in pots, fertilizing and watering, all of which is done by my wife, I take care of all the pepper farming.

This all leads to something called the Earth Box. Basically, it’s a box you buy that comes with special soil and fertilizer. They claim using this box and two normal tomato plants will yield 50 pounds of tomatoes. So my daughter and son-in-law figured this would be a good Father’s Day present because the Earth Box would be perfect for peppers and it’s so simple "even Pa can’t screw it up." Ah, the blind faith of youth.

Oddly enough, about the time the Earth Box was being shipped to me (as a surprise) from Pennsylvania I decided to go into animal husbandry. I had read an article about something called the Worm Factory. The guy in the article extolled its virtues: easy to do, no smell, the worms feed on table scraps and junk mail, they produce compost and fertilizer, and you have fishing bait for life. I figured it would be a fun project to share with my grand daughter. We would farm some worms, release them into the wild in the fall, and then do it all over again the following summer. Ah, the blind faith of old age.

When the Worm Factory arrived from Washington state I was in my garage. The delivery man plunked down a big box and said, "There’s another box in the truck." The second box was also put in my garage and this box said "peat moss products" on the side and had no shipping label on top. I just assumed the Worm Factory came in two boxes.

Well, I opened box one and there was the factory: four plastic trays, a spigot, some tools and a 16-page instruction booklet. I sat down to read the directions.

I knew I was in trouble when the first line read: "Get the composted leaves you’ve been saving since last fall and put some in tray one." I had just gotten the Worm Factory and I was already a half-year behind. Reading on I learned that I should have started a compost pile a year ago if I wanted to wrangle some worms this summer, that I couldn’t use any old worms from the bait shop because the Factory needs a special kind of red worms (available from a supplier in Nashville, Michigan), and that these worms didn’t like sun, rain, heat, or cold. Basically, the Worm Factory is a condo unit for worms that don’t like to go outside. Air conditioning is optional.

During the winter, noted the directions, it would be best to keep the Worm Factory in the house, the kitchen being a dandy location. I don’t know about the rest of you husbands out there, but my guess is that if you told your wife that 3,000 worms would be wintering in her pantry the reaction would not be favorable. I chose discretion over certain injury. So then what do you do with the worms? Set them up in a Florida resort for the winter? Turn them loose to freeze to death and risk a PETA demonstration in your front yard?

I contacted the business from which I had purchased the Factory. They were very nice and agreed to refund my money if I shipped the Factory back to them. Which I did – both boxes. You see, I had never opened box two; never turned it over, either. If I had I would have seen that the shipping label from my daughter on the bottom of the box.

A week later the Worm Factory people contacted me and wondered why I had sent them an Earth Box. "What the heck is an Earth Box," I asked. "All we know is that is says ‘Happy Father’s Day’ on the shipping label on the bottom of the box," they replied. Duh! Then it dawned on me what had happened. All I could say is that famous line by William Bendix on the old Life of Riley television show: "What a revolting development this is."

Well, since the Earth Box was a gift I had to have it sent back to me. The Earth Box traveled from Pennsylvania to Cadillac to Washington and back to Cadillac. I’m telling you, this Earth box now has more frequent flier miles than a South Carolina governor on a hiking trip. The Worm Factory went from Washington to Cadillac and back to Washington. For what I’ve spent on shipping I could have bought enough worms for a commercial fishing operation off the coast of Newfoundland.

Now the good news. No worms were harmed because I never ordered any. Presumably the worms I would have inevitably slaughtered are in a nice worm condo somewhere – not too warm, not too cold, indoors – and are being cared for by a person with a big kitchen. My Earth Box has arrived and some hot peppers have been planted and if the directions are right I should have peppers the size of watermelons by next weekend. You know, maybe this farming this isn’t so tough after all. Does anyone know where I can get a good deal on a John Deere Combine?

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.