Neff Zone Column -- June 13, 2009

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Print Edition: June 13, 2009

JIM NEFF

EXCUSE ME, I’M STUCK IN MY CAR

Outta the Zone…I’ve been watching the continuing saga of the auto industry bankruptcies and I have an observation. In this case I agree with Mark Twain who said: "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

I keep reading about how once GM and Chrysler emerge from their financial difficulties they will begin to crank out all sorts of cars "that Americans want." This is code for "super-small, eco-friendly, compacts" that will go from here to Des Moines on a tank of gas while leaving no emissions behind. Oh, really?

Put aside all the people who need cargo space for their jobs (because they have to carry around tools and such), people who prefer to take golf clubs or ski gear with them when they recreate, people who want to carry more than a gym bag when they travel, and seniors who need vehicles that are easy to enter and exit without the aid of a block and tackle.

Beyond that, here’s the politically incorrect reality that no one in the government will admit to because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Bluntly put, Americans are too portly to fit into mini-compacts. According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, the United States is the fattest country on earth with 34% of our population classified as obese. To paraphrase a popular saying (because this is a family newspaper), you can’t put ten pounds of Mackinaw Island road apples in a five pound bag. I’m telling you that no matter how "green" the vehicle is, no matter how pure the intentions of the populace are, no matter how many mandates the Obama administration issues, at least one-third (and probably much more) of the population is out of the mini-car equation from the get-go. That’s a lot of customers who just won’t be buying the cars "Americans want."

Hey, don’t take my word for this wide-bottom trend. I offer as another proof the situation at Fifth Third ballpark in Grand Rapids, home of the West Michigan Whitecaps minor league baseball team. Recently, they replaced the seats in the park with wider bases (to 21 inches wide from previous size of 19 inches). The bottom line is that since the park was built 16 years ago the average fan has gotten too broad in the beam to wedge into a ballpark seat.

Apparently, no one in the government or in the auto industry pays attention to this type of scientific research. They think Americans want micro cars. In actuality what Americans want is room to spread out and ten hot dogs for a dollar.

Message to GM and Chrysler: There’s a finite market for mini-cars. Many of the people who want one already own one. Build too many small cars and it may be a prescription for disaster.

…Speaking of average Americans, if you’re one of those then you generate about 4.6 pounds of garbage per day. Each day Americans produce the weight of two Empire State buildings in garbage, according to the EPA.

…Bad news from Delta Airlines. They are postponing plans to launch flights to Liberia this summer. I don’t know about you, but that sure messes up my vacation plans. On the other hand not all is lost because I can still fly to Tehran on Northwest for $1,045 and I guess one garden spot is as good as another.

…On the political front, Gallup just released a poll in which they asked Americans what words come to mind when they think of the two major political parties. For the Democrats the top ten were: liberal, favorable, for the people, socially conscious, big spending, unfavorable, self-centered, big government, Barack Obama, and welfare. The Republican top ten were: unfavorable, conservative, favorable, no direction, cater to the rich, George W. Bush, close-minded, cater to big business, poor economic conditions, and pro-military. If these seem all over the lot, perhaps the sage wisdom of Frank Donatelli, political director of the Reagan White House is apropos: "Politics is self-correcting."

…Finally, the world has gone nuts and I can prove it. The cable sports network ESPN says that, to date, it’s aware of 33 children who have been named "ESPN" or some variation. The first known case is Espn Blondeel, who just turned nine-years-old in Chicago. The network also says it’s aware of at least one court case where watching too much ESPN was cited as grounds for divorce. (I apologize in advance to all the guys out there whose wives have just thought, "Hmmmm, that gives me an idea!")

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.