Neff Zone Column -- May 9, 2009

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Print Edition: May 9, 2009

YOU CAN’T MAKE UP THIS STUFF: Volume 23

OK, kidlings, it’s time for another edition of "Big Rob’s You Can’t Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother’s theory that reality is stranger than any fiction you can conjure up. As always we begin with an item from Big Rob’s stomping grounds of Flint.

Big Rob and I both agree that firefighters are among the most heroic of all citizens. Whatever these brave men and women are paid, it’s not enough. That’s particularly true in Flint where budget cuts have resulted in closed fire stations, layoffs and equipment shortages. Recently, firefighters there had to respond to a house fire and then literally fight the fire with their bare hands. You see, their "fire truck" was not equipped with water or hoses. One man died in the fire, three firefighters were burned, and one of the firefighters had his gear catch fire. "It was chaotic," said the Fire Battalion Chief. Welcome to the new America, home of the bucket brigade because we can’t afford to give our firefighters even the most basic tools. How’s that job outsourcing working for you now?

One thing we seemingly can afford is training – for the Iraqi military. According to a U.S. Audit, we’ve spent billions in an attempt to train Iraqis in the most basic of tasks, all to no avail. Big Rob poses a reasonable question: "How stupid are these guys?"

According to the U.S. Army, after 9 weeks of basic training, it takes 7 to 52 weeks to fully train a United States soldier in any one of 151 jobs available. So, the Army can take a kid off the street and have him or her fully trained and functioning in under a year.

Not true in the Iraqi military, where American commanders report that even with all the money we’ve spent, Iraqis still can’t figure out how to perform basic jobs like vehicle maintenance, repairing equipment, and running warehouse operations. In one case, Col. Mike Sage, chief-of-staff for Multi-National Security Transition Command, said he thought Iraqi commanders would "jump at the chance" to have their soldiers learn how to care for their own armored vehicles, but this was not the case. The Iraqis couldn’t get soldiers to take the 90-day training course.

Hey, here’s a thought, quit spending money trying to train people who don’t want to be trained and buy some fire hoses for Flint!

I know, I know, things just are not that simple, you say. It’s tough all over. Take Germany, for example. The economy is in such rough shape there that some "ladies of the evening" (I’m trying to be delicate here) have introduced some promotions to stir up more business. Their incentives include flat-rate fees, free shuttle busses, and senior discounts for "appointments" before 4:00 PM. This sort of gives a new meaning to the Early Bird Special, eh?

Well, all I know is that even if the German’s are letting nature take its course, they better keep those shenanigans on their own side of the border with Switzerland. Some regions of eastern Switzerland have seen quite enough of their German neighbors, mainly because said neighbors have an affinity for taking alpine hikes while clad only in socks and hiking boots. Now the Germans say that nude walking in the Alps has "roots in antiquity," but the Swiss are calling it "shameless behavior."

Hey, I know what the Swiss should do, give the naked Germans a fistful of Early Bird coupons and watch them sprint back to their own country.

Speaking of shameless behavior, how about the Saudi man who sold his 8-year-old daughter for $13,000 and forced her to marry a 50-year-old man? Now this week the Associated Press reported that the girl has been allowed to divorce the man.

You might be interested to know that there are no laws in Saudi Arabia defining the minimum age for marriage. Although some in the country want to amend the law so only girls over 18 can marry, the country’s Muslim clergy is against a minimum age. One of the kingdom’s most senior clerics said it was permissible for 10-year-old girls to marry and those who believe they are too young are doing the girls an injustice.

Don’t be horrified by this. The Saudis are our allies, they rely on the United States for military protection, and human rights don’t come into play here because they have oil.

Finally, this from faithful reader and trusted advisor in all things political, Cap’n Kirk. Exercise for people over 50: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks. Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.