Neff Zone Column -- November 21, 2009

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Print Edition: November 21, 2009

AN ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITY FOR CADILLAC

It’s not often that a community is offered an economic bonanza on a silver platter, but that’s exactly the situation for Cadillac. The key is that we need to act right now, strike while the iron is hot, grab for the golden ring.

News stories this week report that the national sport of Afghanistan is in resurgence. In fact, Buzkashi, as it’s called, is becoming so popular once again that corporate sponsors are investing in it, huge crowds are showing up to watch it, and the Buzkashi Federation has already begun an initiative to expand the sport to the rest of the world and have it included in the Olympics. As we speak, a Buzkashi match is being played in Kabul this weekend in honor of President Hamid Karzai's inauguration.

What makes this even more appealing is that the Taliban is basically against Buzkashi, so one can assume that if the Taliban opposes Buzkashi then the governments of the Western world must logically line up in favor of Buzkashi. In short, Buzkashi is hot and now is the time to take advantage of the situation.

This brings us to Cadillac. If you have not noticed before then think about this now; there are no locations within the United States set up to act as an Olympic training center for Buzkashi. It’s obvious that the first town to petition the United States Olympic Committee to become that training center will have the inside track (and will be in line for all the financial benefits that come with that designation). Just think of the tourism potential alone; it’s immense.

This is not far fetched. There is precedent. Marquette is an Olympic training center for several winter sports and there’s a luge run in Muskegon. Michigan has a proven record for training centers. Cadillac needs to act right now. This thing has stimulus dollars written all over it!

Now, I’ll admit that Buzkashi is not everyone’s cup of tea, but sometimes you just have to put aside your own prejudices for the greater good. According to USA Today: “Buzkashi is a violent sport with virtually no rules. Players, called chapandaz, gallop at breakneck speed over a dusty field, fighting over a dead animal without a head. The game has no rounds or time limits. Galloping horses regularly spill off the field, sending terrified spectators running for safety. Some games are played with 12-man teams; others are scored individually with hundreds of horses careening around the field.”

Information from the Afghan-Network.net expands on that explanation a bit:

“Traditionally, a calf is beheaded, the legs are cut off at the knee and its entrails are removed. The carcass of the calf is then soaked in cold water for 24 hours before the game so that it may be tough enough to withstand the tugging that takes place. If a calf is not available then a goat is used. Winners are awarded prizes of turbans, cash or rifles. Sometimes, they choose a site for pitch near a river and a few horsemen conspire to drown their opponents. It is not uncommon for riders to continue in the game with cracked ribs, broken limbs and various head injuries.”

Now, you must admit that this is a lot more exciting than a pansy NFL game or a round of PGA Tour golf. But put the obvious allure of the Buzkashi aside for a moment and consider all the auxiliary benefits of having a Buzkashi Olympic training center in Cadillac.

First of all, facilities will have to be created. Since there are no real requirements for the fields of play, all of the farmland and forests surrounding Cadillac could be utilized. In the spirit of Afghan graft and corruption we could collect construction money and in actuality construct nothing. Plus, we have all sorts of lakes and streams which covers the drowning your opponent angle.

Second, we already have area people with expertise in raising calves, so adding herds of goats to the mix is no biggie. I also seem to recall an episode of the “Little Rascals” in which a goat ate some dynamite, which means they will eat about anything, so we could turn them loose at the Wexford County landfill and “presto” the county’s solid waste problem is solved.

Third, local citizens could actually be in the running to make the Olympic team. I mean, with the training center right here and with a sport with no rules there ought to be many Cadillicans with the wherewithal to become Olympians. Need I point out the product endorsement deals that will be sure to follow? Got goat milk?

We could even develop a feeder system similar to CASA soccer. Riding horses while carrying a dead goat might be too much for the kids, but we could set up a progression of sorts (and at the same time utilize the many road-kills you often see by the side of highways). Maybe begin with riding ponies while carrying flattened squirrels, then move to donkeys/squished ducks, progress to mules/mangled raccoons, and then eventually to the horses/goats. And, of course, if road-kill was in short supply we could then…how to be delicate here…well, let’s just say the overcrowded conditions at local animal shelters would no longer be a problem.

Now, I could go on forever here, but you get the idea. This is an opportunity waiting to happen and if Cadillac does not take the goat by the horns some other town will probably beat us to it. After all, the United States has spent billions of dollars and expended vast military resources to bring Afghanistan into the twentieth century, so championing the country’s national sport just seems logical.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.