Neff Zone Column -- September 12, 2009

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Print Edition: September 12, 2009

STAPLERS, PARKS, AND ROLLING HELMETS

Outta the Zone… So there’s this guy in Flint a couple of weeks ago just minding his own business walking home in broad daylight from the corner market where he had just purchased a few frozen pizzas. Suddenly, he’s knocked to the ground by a sudden blow to the back of his head and when he regains consciousness the assailant is gone and so are the frozen pies. Police arrive and discover that the man has eight staples in the back of his head.

So, we’ve come to this in America. Even the muggers can’t afford to buy guns and bullets and so have resorted to using office supplies as their weaponry of choice. What’s next, bank robbery with thumb tacks and carjacking with sticky notes?

I’m not worried, though, because when I visit my brother in Flint from now on I’ll be packing heat – a three-hole paper punch. I know it’s unregistered, but I like living on the edge.

…If walking the streets of Flint isn’t your cup of tea, why not take a stroll in Band-e-Amir, the new national park in Afghanistan. You should enjoy this because one million of your tax dollars paid for it. The Afghans think this park will spark some tourism, and who wouldn’t want to vacation in Afghanistan? Don’t let it bother you that Band-e-Amir is 228 square miles but has only one mile of paved road, is 12 hours from Kabul over rocky roads so rough they cause trucks to overturn, is so dusty vehicle engines routinely clog up and die, is home to only one health clinic for the 20,000 people who live in the region, and has no electricity and basically no schools. Other than that the park is a dandy place for a picnic and an obviously fine use of U.S. taxpayer dollars.

…News flash: This just in from Afghanistan. With 120% of the votes counted President Karzai is projected to be the winner of the recent election (once all the votes are in).

…Oh yeah, and if you do head out of town to a garden spot like Band-e-Amir be sure to send constant updates via Twitter to all your followers. That will make life easier for the burglars because then they’ll know no one is home and the coast is clear to back a moving van up to your door and empty the place. Security experts say that 73% of Twitter users have posted status updates indicating they are not at home and the crooks are taking advantage of this. Heck, it’s so easy the bad guys don’t even need to carry staplers for protection.

…On the economic front, top government officials are wondering if the $586 billion stimulus program they enacted is going to be enough to jump start the struggling economy. Not to worry, though because Harvard University’s William Overholt says, "The government did a great job of stabilizing the economy." By the way, the government that’s the subject of this is China.

…Hey, if you don’t like stimulus packages be glad that John McCain wasn’t elected president. Mark Zandi, co-founder of Moody’s Economy.com and a top McCain advisor during the presidential race, said earlier this summer that ‘if anything Congress should be thinking about another stimulus package.’

…You know, if you really want to make some money the easy way these days is just to be a college football team willing to take some lumps for a big payday. Last week, Montana State made $650,000 to come to East Lansing and let Michigan State thump on them. Later this season, Delaware State will get $550,000 to let Michigan smear them. Plus, in order to make this dough Delaware State will forfeit a game in its own conference, thereby messing up the season standings for the entire conference.

…Speaking of college football, I watched a lot of games last Saturday and it was my impression that there were more rolling helmets than I’d ever seen before. It seemed like on almost every play some player’s lid would pop off. I don’t know if the helmets are too heavy for the snaps and buckles, if the design has changed, or if I’m just goofy (my wife’s opinion). I’ll be watching today to see if the same thing happens this week.

…Finally, as long as we’re talking about noggins, I sure hope the Big Ten Network listens a bit more closely to its announcers. This is a network purporting to represent institutions of higher learning, but last week’s analyst for the Michigan State game obviously did not pay attention in English class. He said "had went" (instead of had gone), "had ran" (had run), "had threw" (had thrown), and "out the end zone" (out of the end zone). I half expected him to say, "I always wanted to be a college graduate and now I are one."

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com. Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews.