Print Edition: Saturday, May 21, 2005

GET YOUR M&M’S NOW, SNUGGLE WITH MARTHA LATER

*In my lifetime I’ve witnessed many developments that have provided immeasurable benefits to mankind: space travel, computers, the Internet, Victoria Secret ads on television. A recent achievement, however, has moved into the number one position as the most important invention in at least a century, if not more. I’m talking about the introduction of dark chocolate M&M’s, of course. If you want to try these delectable dandies you need to put down this newspaper, go to the nearest store and secure a bag immediately, because I’m waking up really early on Monday morning and I’m going to buy every remaining bag on earth.

*With the opening of the super Wal-Mart in Haring Township this week I thought you’d like to know that Wal-Mart’s chief executive, Scott Lee, Jr., made $17.5 million last year. That means every two weeks he’s paid as much as the average Wal-Mart employee earns in an entire lifetime.

*It turns out that outsourcing may not be such a good idea after all. In a study done by Deloitte Consulting LLP, one of the world’s largest financial services consulting firms, they found that 70% of companies have had significant negative experiences with outsourcing projects. "One in four participants have brought functions back in-house after realizing that they could be addressed more successfully and/or at a lower cost internally, while 44 percent did not see cost savings materializing as a result of outsourcing. 

Moreover, 57 percent of participants absorbed costs for services they believed were included in the contracts with vendors and 62% realized that they require more management efforts in comparison to original estimates." I’ll be hornswoggled, it turns out that the greedy, overpaid American workers were not a profit drain after all. Gee, don’t you feel sorry for these companies who now must admit that outsourcing was just another bad management decision?

*The next time your State Senator tells you there’s a budget crunch in Michigan and there’s no money to help average citizens do virtually anything, ask her about the $210,000 parking subsidy the Senate slipped into law on behalf of Senate employees. The bottom line is that while ordinary citizens would have to pay $157 per month to park in certain Lansing garages, Senate employees will pay only $40. Taxpayers will pick up the difference. Your tax dollars at "work."

*Who said this: "What I am proposing will require employers to provide basic health insurance for their employees. In the past, we have taken similar action to assure workers a minimum wage, to provide disability and retirement benefits. We should go one step further and guarantee that all workers will receive adequate health insurance protection." (Answer at the end of this column.)

*It’s said that "rolling stones gather no moss," but in real life they do gather greenbacks. The Rolling Stones announced that they’ll be going on tour this summer and will visit Comerica Park in Detroit on August 31. The price tag for a ticket to this event is a cool $163.50. You can buy a "cheapie" seat for $63.50, but I think those may be located in Toledo.

*The Transportation Security Administration is testing a new airport body scan machine that will let screeners see through the clothes of travelers and also allows them to see a revealing picture of the person’s nude body. No, I don’t know where you can sign up for a job as a screener.

*NBC announced this week that it’s canceling one of the best family viewing shows on television, American Dreams, and will fill the time slot with a Martha Stewart version of The Apprentice. Seeing a self-promoting, pretentious, convicted felon being gratuitously mean to people will just leave you warm and fuzzy all over. Make sure the kids watch.

*Think you can manage your own Social Security investments (as proposed by President Bush)? Well, in a Los Angeles Times article, Harry M. Markowitz, a winner of the Nobel Prize in economics and father of "modern portfolio theory" admitted that when it comes to his own retirement planning he ‘practices only a rudimentary version of what he preaches.’ It turns out that if you followed what Markowitz has done with his own retirement investments you’d lose money under the Bush plan. Holy bankruptcy, Batman, if a Nobel Prize winner can’t figure it out, what chance does a factory worker or a grocery store clerk have?

*Hard on the heels of last week’s column, the Army announced that it’s going to offer a new 1¼-year hitch. That sounds mighty short until you read the fine print which states that the 15-month tour can be extended by eight years under the stop-loss program. Then the day after the short hitch was announced the courts ruled that the Army can use stop-loss to keep people in the service beyond eight years. Hmmm, did someone leave a window open? I sense a draft.

*The speaker of the quote about health care insurance – Richard Nixon, February 18, 1971.

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Comments to neffzone@gmail.com . Read Neff Zone columns online at www.neffzone.com/cadillacnews .  

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