THE NEFF ZONE -- BY JIM NEFF
CADILLAC NEWS -- SEPTEMBER 30, 2017
From time to time all of us have a bad day. Whenever one happens to me I think back to those thrilling days of yesteryear before the Internet (and even before cassette tapes). Back then, all music came on vinyl records and that was also the case with comedy routines. Comedians would actually make comedy records which you could spin on your home record player.
For “bad day” comedy, there was no one who did it better than The Old Philosopher. Compared to his bad days, yours seemed pretty paltry. The following snippet is a typical example from The Old Philosopher.
“Ya say ya can't pull your car out of the mud and you're in the middle of nowhere and it's pouring rain and ya can't get the top back up...and your paycheck's all blurred...and your foot went right through the gas...and your girl's screaming bloody murder because she's scared of the dark...and a stroke of lightning splits your motor in half...and your suit's shrinking up fast...and ya start up the windy road on foot and sixty yards of barbed wire hits ya right smack in the face...and ya both fall down in the mud and then a wild animal comes over and runs away with your shoes...and your car blows up suddenly and your windshield-wiper ends up in your mouth...and ya can't move and the mud's rising up to your nostrils and you're sinking fast and ya don't hear your girl screaming anymore...Is that what's on your mind, cousin?” (https://youtu.be/mCjMSeisZ5A)
Compared to that, most of our bad days might not seem quite as dire. That might not be the case for an Arizona man, however. He was hospitalized after surviving a rattlesnake bite to the face while attempting capture the reptile with the intention of cooking it on a barbecue grill. He grabbed the venomous snake and was showing it off to friends and family, posing for several photos, when he lost his grip on the snake's head and it attacked him. He was bitten on the chest and face. At that point the genius said he “knew immediately that something was wrong.” No kidding? What was your clue? Was it that rattlesnake hanging off your mug with its fangs embedded in your eye socket?
I think it's safe to assume that the rattlesnake in question had a bad day too, but also in the animal kingdom some mountain lions in California's Santa Cruz mountains are having bad days thrust upon them.
In an experiment, scientists have been setting up sound equipment in the forests and playing “the strident tones of Rachel Maddow, Glenn Beck, Amy Goodman and Rush Limbaugh. Nearly every lion that heard a political pundit pontificating ran away immediately, and more than half of the frightened lions never returned...the reaction was the same regardless of whether the lions heard a male or female voice, or whether the speaker was a liberal or conservative.” The conclusion reached by the scientists was: “Pumas are nonpartisan in their hatred of American politics.”
Have you ever had a good mood turn sour after listening to a political discussion, causing you to want to just run away and hide? Maybe the lions are onto something. As the scientists added: “Humans need to keep in mind that we're scary. Especially when we're talking about politics.”
As reported widely on local news: ”Mackinac Island was the fifth most violent city in the state, according to 2016 FBI crime statistics that were released earlier this month.” Supposedly, there were 6.7 violent crimes per every 1,000 residents.
This would make for really bad days for islanders if it was true, but it is just a statistical anomaly. It was based on the 500 year-round islanders, not taking into account that on a typical summer day the actual population (including visitors) is around 15,000 people. With that taken into account, the Island rank is really 343. Just FYI, that same report also scored some Northern Michigan cities: Cadillac 3.6, Reed City 2.1, Traverse City 4.3, and Gaylord 3.3.
By comparison, Flint's score was a sad 15.84. That's made even more tragic due to the lack of police officers available to protect the citizens. “The time it takes police to respond to the most-serious 911 calls in Flint has more than doubled over a six-month time frame this year. Response times increased, on average, to more than 58 minutes in July. Deputy Flint Police Chief Devon Bernritter said if 911 calls come in and there are no Flint officers to send, the call will sit in a queue on the dispatcher's computer until an officer is available.” When it comes to bad days, the hits just keep on coming for Flint.
In the world of sports, the Detroit Lions are specialists in bad days. Last Sunday they found a new way to lose when they seemingly won on a last-ditch play only to be stymied by an obscure rule. Rules aside, though, perhaps you (YOU!) were to blame for their misfortune. You see, Grubhub has combed through data and come up with a list of lucky foods for the Lions. The data revealed the foods that are most often consumed on games day when the Lions won. They are: Jumbo Shrimp, Chicken Tenders, Onion Rings, Barbecue Chicken Pizza, and Chocolate Cake.
It turns out that the Lions may have had a bad day and lost because you, the fans, were a bit lax in scarfing down copious quantities of chicken tenders. So, this week plunge into that pizza and assure a Lions win!
To sum it all up, heed the advice of The Old Philosopher on how to counteract those bad days. “Well, lift your head up high and take a walk in the sun with dignity and stick-to-it-ness and ya show the world, ya show the world where to get off. You'll never give up, never give up, never give up...that ship!”