YOU CAN'T MAKE UP THIS STUFF

THE NEFF ZONE -- BY JIM NEFF

CADILLAC NEWS -- APRIL 25, 2026

Well kidlings, it's time for another round of "You Can't Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother Big Rob's theory that reality is stranger than any fiction. As usual, we begin with news from Rob's stomping grounds of Flint.  

A special treat will be available for Flintites this summer. “Kearsley Kone (on Flint's east side) has unveiled a new 10-inch ice cream sandwich that weighs more than six pounds. Customers can choose any ice cream flavor in the store to fill the sandwich. We've been asked, How do you cut it? How do you freeze it? Does your mouth fit around it? Everybody is amazed by it.” See it at: https://midmichigannow.com/news/local/kearsley-kone-unveils-6-pound-10-inch-ice-cream-sandwich. 

In a different sandwich genre, a traditional downtown Flint restaurant now includes a northern Michigan twist. “Halo Burger announced the grand reopening for its flagship restaurant in downtown Flint and plans to expand it with a doughnut shop. Plans are already underway to expand the space to include Cops & Doughnuts, bringing two iconic Michigan brands together under one roof. The iconic doughnut shop chain based in Clare merged with Halo Burger last summer.” Sign me up for an olive burger deluxe, a Boston cooler, and a bear claw. (https://www.abc12.com/news/business/cops-doughnuts-joining-halo-burger-in-downtown-flint/article_6db214f0-7fd6-4db2-97b1-371821f19d63.html)

Flint is known for its automobile manufacturing history, but something just patented by a Chinese company was never considered by GM car designers. “Seres has been granted a patent for what it calls an 'in-vehicle toilet' that slides under a passenger's seat for visits to the loo while on the road. The patent shows an onboard toilet that slides out from the bottom of a passenger's seat with a push or through voice-activated commands. The loo will come with a fan and exhaust pipe to channel odors out of the car. Waste is collected in a tank that has to be emptied manually.”

(https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c1l92yv4mydo?)

If this “improvement” becomes commonplace in automobiles, you might want to invest in the Tiny Trees Company. They make tree-shaped car air fresheners. “While the first fragrances were Royal Pine, Spice, and Bouquet, the range expanded to include Caribbean Colada, Vanillaroma, New Car Scent, and, of course, Black Ice. The Tree air fresheners are made in factories in Watertown, NY and DeWitt, IA.” (https://www.littletrees.com/)

Car loos may be cutting edge, but the newest dating trend for ladies is more old school. An article headline screams: “Get yourself a Luddite boyfriend, the biggest green flag in modern dating.” The article goes on to say: “In recent years, having zero internet presence has become one of the most coveted traits a potential partner could possibly have.”

Why? “Over the past few years, young people have begun getting rid of their smartphones, buying used digital cameras, and started carrying 'analog bags' — tote bags full of nondigital activities. Content creators are encouraging their followers to embrace 2026 as the Year of Analog. Opting out of the most recent technology has an air of rebelliousness to it.” (https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/article/get-yourself-a-luddite-boyfriend-the-biggest-green-flag-in-modern-dating-120000784.html)

If a guy really wants to go full Luddite, using slang from the 1950s might be useful. After all, You'd be a “dreamboat” if you were cruising in your “rag top” while on the way to a “sock hop.” She might think you're a “bird dog” but you could have it “made in the shade.” See what all these mean at: https://wordsmarts.com/1950s-slang/. 

If dating makes your heart go pitter-patter there's a reason for that. Your circulatory system is 60,000 miles long. “In terms of distance, the blood vessels in our bodies are lengthy enough to circle the globe twice, with mileage to spare. What’s more, about eighty percent of that distance comes from just capillaries, the smallest blood vessels that connect veins and arteries. With each heartbeat, the circulatory system is a multifunctioning wonder, working simultaneously to oxygenate blood, remove waste from our organs, and transport hormones and nutrients to their necessary destinations. Meanwhile, this system also stabilizes our bodies by helping to fight off disease and regulate body temperature.” (https://interestingfacts.com/fact/the-human-circulatory-system-is-more-than-60000-miles-long/)

Finally, playing the modern version an ancient game could net you $10,000. The game is “Rock,Paper, Scissors” and it's actually a competitive sport. There's even a 

World Rock Paper Scissors Association. They note: “The game of rock, paper, scissors dates to ancient China in the year 206 BCE, when the symbols were a frog, a snake and a centipede (frog beats centipede, centipede beats snake, and snake beats frog).”

A recent event awarded the winner that ten grand. “That was the case at the American Dream mall in East Rutherford, New Jersey, where 384 contestants squared off this month in a three-day rock, paper, scissors competition for their shot at the big check.” (https://www.nbcnews.com/business/personal-finance/rock-paper-scissors-tournament-rcna332263)

You might think this competition requires some strategy. But the most common strategy was no strategy at all. “Playing with no set strategy proved effective for the champion, Julio Rivera, a 29-year-old veterinary assistant, who walked away with the coveted check. Hundreds of competitors went home without any prizes but with hearts full of youthful joy — thanks to a schoolyard game that’s over 2,000 years old.”

A lucrative competition that has no strategy and requires no real skill is my kind of game. You too?

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Read Neff Zone columns online at CadillacNews.com and NeffZone.com/cadillacnews.